


Forced To Be Okay

by Writerofthelorde



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Almost Kiss, Angst, Blushing, Cheek Kisses, Coming Out, Confessions, Feelings, Fighting, Finn Needs A Hug, Finn gets a hug, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Force Ghost Shara Bey, Forehead Kisses, Friends to Lovers, Hugs, Humor, Humour, Idiots in Love, Kes is a good father, Kes is a tease, Kes likes to embarrass them, Love, Love Confessions, Loving Parent, M/M, Making Up, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, PTSD, Peace, Pining, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe gets a hug, Poe is an idiot, Poe is scared of the force, Reunion, Sass, Slow Burn, So much blushing, Tender - Freeform, Tension, True Love, Yavin 4, angst with happy ending, force ghost, oh the tenderness, papa dameron, progress - Freeform, soft, tagging is hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22367221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writerofthelorde/pseuds/Writerofthelorde
Summary: Poe is struggling with ptsd that makes him terrified of the force, Finn is struggling with wanting his best friend to know that he is force sensitive. The tension builds and big problems come up, do they know how to fix this?Finn thinks that it might help Poe to go visit Yavin IV to see his father again. What he didn't expect was to find some peace for himself there too.Set before TRoS.Angst. Hurt/Comfort. Getting Together. Happy Ending.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 27
Kudos: 132





	1. Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> I'm posting the story in chapters, but I am done with it, so I will be updating daily.
> 
> Please bear with me if it's a little rough, I haven't written in months.
> 
> I wrote most of this story while listening to this song "Beautiful Romantic Music" by Soothing Relaxation on youtube. You can listen to it while reading if you'd like. <3

On the temporary rebel base, everyone was getting ready for their final battle. Ships were being patched up,  _ fighters _ were being patched up, and everyone who was physically capable was training, or on missions. 

Finn and Poe had been training all day. They were exhausted, but tried to make small talk as they got ready for bed. They hadn’t seen each other all day, apart from dinner a moment ago, and Finn had some questions that needed answering.

Over dinner, Poe and Rey had been bickering back and forth about the Falcon, about Chewy, about too many things to remember. At least, that’s what Poe called it…  _ bickering _ . Finn did not agree in the slightest. The two had been fighting a lot lately.

He had talked about it with Rey, and she didn’t understand his dislike either. At least that's what she said. Though she had to admit, at this point, she wasn't sure if she liked him anymore either. They had started out just fine; they had become friends in an instant, bonding over their love for Finn, and flying, and more. Except as time went on Poe got more distant.

Rey had realised that it had started around the time that Finn and Poe had watched her train during their breaks. She figured it was jealousy that made Poe dislike her. Maybe he had realised how strong and capable she was when he had seen her train. She’s not only a good pilot but also a good fighter, with and without the force. There was a lot to her that made her strong, and Poe was just a good pilot. Of course, she didn't actually think that way of him, but she felt like she could sense that he thought that way of himself.

Rey knew Poe was an amazing pilot, maybe even better than her; he had been flying all his life after all. She had looked up to him, his confidence, his charm, his skills, his bravery. She had also loved him as soon as they started talking about their favourite things and people. She even knew about his mom, Shara, and Luke, and the force tree.

In the beginning, she had truly thought that they were going to be best friends, the three of them. Except unfortunately now Finn was constantly torn between the two as they fought about everything and nothing. They were all on edge because of the war and exhausted because of training and missions, they all knew that but their frustrations towards each other were building and there was no way around it.

And so here they were, tired and frustrated, and fighting all the time. Finn was sick of it and decided it was time to call Poe out on his behaviour. It was time to talk.

“So how come you and Rey fight so much?” Finn asked when they had both settled into their beds. Poe was about to go to sleep, but Finn’s question woke him up more than he liked.

“We don’t fight.” He said with a confused tone, trying to imply that he didn’t know what his friend was talking about.

Finn sighed. “Alright, why don’t you like Rey?”

“Buddy, what are you talking about? I love Rey.” Poe wasn’t sure where this was coming from. He thought he had been kind and supportive to Rey, especially with Finn around. Sure they had been bickering over dinner earlier, but that had been nothing.

“Do you?” Was all Finn said in return. His tone was serious and his face was oozing annoyance.

“Where is this coming from?” Poe decided to ask. He didn’t want to say that he loved her again, because he knew deep down there was something stopping him from truly loving her.

Finn sighed dramatically and laid down on his back.

The pilot got up out of bed and walked over to the sink, getting himself a glass of water. He dared a glance at Finn, who was looking at him with an expression he couldn’t name.

Finn sighed again and sat up with his legs dangling off the edge of the bed.

“Do you not trust her?” He asked quietly.

“What?”

“Do you have a problem with her being a girl?”

“Finn! Don’t be ridiculous! Do you really think so little of me?”

Finn got off of the bed and started pacing around the room. “Well, I don’t know! I didn’t think you were like that but I’m just trying to figure out why you have a problem with being her friend. I’m running out of reasons why..!”

Poe faced his best friend and bit his lip in frustration. “I don’t have a problem with her being a girl. I like her; I want to be friends with her.” He shrugged, unsure of what else he could say.

Though instead of clearing things up, that answer startled Finn.

“What do you mean you  _ want _ to be friends with her? You are friends with her.”

Poe sighed and muttered under his breath. “Friends aren’t afraid of each other.”

“Rey is  _ not _ afraid of you. Why would she be afr- oh.”

Poe turned around, unable to face his friend.

Finn walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder. He spoke calmly. “Why would you be afraid of her?”

Poe’s shoulders were tense and he swallowed hard. “I’ve seen her train… I’ve seen her use the force against people and it-” He looked down, ashamed to admit it. He swallowed again and in a whisper said, “it reminds me of Kylo…”

For a moment Finn pulled a confused face, but didn’t say a word. He hoped Poe would explain himself so he didn’t have to pry.

“It reminds me of what he did to me…”

That answer broke Finn’s heart. He sighed deeply and wrapped his arms around Poe’s waist, hugging him tightly. It startled Poe for a moment, feeling those warm hands snake around his waist and hold him in a way he had only ever been held by his mother, many years ago.

“I still have nightmares.” He admitted after a moment. He was scared to admit it, because he didn’t want Finn to move away. He didn’t want him to move his face out of the crook of his neck, or his arms from around his waist, but he did feel the need to tell him.

He was right to be scared because the moment he said it Finn took a step back in surprise.

Poe closed his eyes tightly, but still turned to face him, waiting for the verdict.

The younger man took Poe’s hand, causing heat to rise to his cheeks. Would Finn’s touch ever stop making him feel like he was on fire in the best way possible?

Finn looked him intently in his eyes without saying a word. Finally, after several minutes he spoke. “I didn’t know you had nightmares…” He felt stupid for saying that; the man had been fighting the war for years. He’d been tortured more times than Finn wanted to believe. Not because he thought it wasn’t true, but because the thought of Poe getting tortured over and over hurt him more than words could describe.

All Poe could do in reply was look at the floor and nod his head. Finn took a hold of the back of Poe’s neck and moved closer. Poe could feel his heartbeat skyrocketing and found it hard to breathe as hope took over the butterflies in his stomach.

Except all Finn did was press their foreheads together. Poe kept his eyes on the floor beneath his feet, while the other searched his face.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

This finally made Poe look up. He regretted sharing eye-contact, as he was sure his disappointment still showed, but Finn’s eyes were soft. Impossibly soft.

“I’m here for you, Poe.”

Something inside himself broke and he screwed his eyes shut so tightly it made him see stars. Or maybe it was Finn’s fingers gently caressing his cheeks that made him see the stars.

He wasn’t sure when the tears had started, or how much time had passed since Finn touched his face, but he suddenly felt Finn move away from him. He slowly moved them to his bed. They sat down and without thinking, the first thing Finn did was press his lips to his forehead. He could feel Poe raise his eyebrows, and heard him inhale sharply.

He held his breath for as long as Finn’s lips were pressed against his skin, and as soon as Finn noticed that, he moved away.

“I’m here, Poe. We share a room. If you have a nightmare you wake me up, okay? From now on you wake me up and I’ll be there for as long as you need me.”

Poe still had his eyes closed and didn’t know how to respond. Finn gave him a moment, but when it took him too long he pressed on.

“Alright?”

Poe slowly nodded and whispered an “Okay.”

Finn knew he was lying by the sound of his voice and the way he couldn’t look him in the eye, but he accepted the answer for the time being.

Some time went on. Nightmares were had, friends were not awoken, and frustrations were building up fast.

A week after their conversation Finn had noticed Poe sneaked away during every lunch-break. At first, he thought the man needed some time away from everyone. Then he thought that maybe he needed some time away from  _ him _ . When one day the thought of that became too much to bear he decided to follow him.

Finn watched as Poe hid behind a bush. He was confused as to why he would leave to sit in a bush every day, but then he heard the sound of a lightsaber whooshing through the air and it clicked. Poe was watching Rey train; he was trying to be more at ease with the force.

Poe moved behind his bush and stepped on a branch that snapped in two. Rey without looking up or losing concentration fondly said, “Hey Poe.”

Finn witnessed Poe freeze with wide eyes. He could see the panic race through his facial futures until he breathed out heavily and forced himself to relax.

“Hey, Rey.” He said as he stepped away from the bush. Finn smiled to himself; Poe was trying so hard and really doing his very best.

Rey smiled at Poe before continuing her training.

The next thing that he said though, was something that hurt Finn in a way he couldn’t quite describe.

“Don’t tell Finn I was here okay?”

Finn subconsciously clutched his heart. He looked at the ground, and then back up at his two best friends, unsure of how to react.

Rey fought the urge to look in Finn’s direction. She could feel his presence, just like she felt Poe’s. Except with Finn, she could also feel his strong emotions. She could feel his pain and wanted to urge him to leave, but then got overwhelmed by the feeling of fear.

The fear Poe felt for the force, for Rey, for someone entering his mind without his consent… it flooded her brain and she had to ground herself firmly to not give away what was happening. She forced on a smile and looked at Poe kindly.

“Of course.”

She could feel the relief and saw how his shoulders relaxed, but she couldn’t shake the feeling from earlier.

Finn walked away with a sadness in his heart he couldn’t place. Poe was trying, he was clearly doing his very best, but… why would he want to hide that from him?

He spent the next few days thinking, and thinking it over again. He told himself he didn’t know why it bothered him so much, but he knew he was just fooling himself. He had figured out his feelings for the pilot were serious a long time ago.

He had hoped, at first, that it was just a simple crush. He could have fun with a crush, he could admire and adore from afar, and daydream all he wanted and then move on… but that’s not what happened. He admired and adored from closer and closer. He dreamt of him during the day, he dreamt of him during the night, and he most certainly was not moving on.

His feelings for the pilot had only grown stronger and stronger and  _ stronger _ . Until one day Poe touched his arm, and smiled in a certain way, while the sun made his eyes sparkle, and Finn was hit by the overwhelming need to grow old with the man.

He spent the next few days thinking about everything. The way Poe felt about the force, the way Poe might, hopefully, feel about him, the way he felt about Poe… and if he had to throw away their friendship, and potential to become more, by telling him about his force sensitivity.

When he had made up his mind he decided to get it over with as fast as possible. Poe was working on his fear of the force after all; now would be the best time.

What he didn’t realise was that Poe’s efforts had been useless. He had tried his best and come up empty.

So when Finn asked to talk to him in their room and he heard him say the words, “Poe, I am force sensitive.” he had felt like his whole world had shattered.

He sank to his knees and tears streamed down his face before he could fully comprehend what was happening.

Finn, in complete surprise and disbelief, got angry.

“Are you serious?!” He yelled out. “Are you actually serious?”

Poe couldn’t help but sob and close his eyes tightly. This time the stars he saw were not from Finn’s gentle touch, but rather from the sheer force at which he screwed his eyes shut.

“I tried okay? I’ve been trying! I still have nightmares!”

“Yeah, and you’re not waking me up! I told you to wake me up when you have nightmares!” 

“I’m not sure you’d be helpful if this is how you react!”

That made Finn take a step back in surprise.

“Are you actually saying that I wouldn’t be kind? That I wouldn’t be there for you and help you calm down and fall back asleep? You really think that?”

“Well, I’m not sure what to think, buddy.”

“Don’t you buddy me! If this is how you think of me we are not  _ buddies _ !”

Poe got up from the floor and angrily wiped his face.

“Well, then I guess we’re not!”

He wasn’t sure why he reacted this way. He knew it was childish to be saying they’re not friends. He knew Finn was mad because he was hurt. It just hurt him all the more to know that his own pain didn’t seem to matter to Finn.

“And then another thing!!” Finn yelled out after a moment. “How come you can’t trust me or Rey, but you can trust Leia?!”

Poe gasped at the question and stumbled a few steps backwards.

He looked down and got very quiet. “She’s… she’s like my mom…”

“What?” Finn yelled angrily, not in the mood to decipher muttered words.

“She’s like my mother!” He yelled out.

Finn breathed heavily, but did not say a word.

“She… she reminds me of my mom.” He shrugged. “It’s been so long, Finn.”

“So you miss you mom! I didn’t even know my mom! Or my dad!”

“Yes, you didn’t know them! You don’t know what to miss!”

“What, and knowing what to miss that's worse?” Finn yelled out, too hurt to be able to control his anger.

“Yes, I  _ miss _ her hugs, her smile, her gentle touch!”

Tears once again made their way down Poe's face. Finn, on the other hand, was too angry to cry. He had been taught by the first order that crying wouldn’t get you anywhere after all. Crying was something he hadn't done since he was a toddler. He saw plenty of kids get punished for crying, so he had learned quickly to keep everything he felt inside. Except for anger, they said that anger was good, anger helped.

“Yeah, and I miss nothing, huh? because I never even got hugs, or smiles, or gentle touches…!” He had to take a moment, to stop himself from breaking. He had to change the subject. “Besides, if you miss them so much, how come you never visit your father?”

Poe’s eyes widened and he froze in an instant. Suddenly it all clicked. How had he been this  _ stupid _ ?

“Kriff.” He uttered. “You’re right. I’m sorry, Finn.” He slumped down against his bed. “That wasn’t fair of me.”

Finn huffed. “I need to calm down somewhere else. Away from you.” He said, as he walked towards the door.

“I understand,” Poe answered defeatedly. “I’m sorry.”

Finn stopped in front of the door and closed his eyes, running a hand down his face. “Yeah, me too.”

Poe sat there, staring at Finn’s bed and going over their fight. Not only had he said terrible things, but he had also been so, so wrong. Finn had been right about several things. He knew Finn didn’t want to see him for a while and he didn’t blame him, but there was something else he could do when he had run out of tears.

When he finally felt empty and all done crying he freshened up, smiled at himself in the mirror, and then made his way over to the com room.

“General.” He greeted Leia. “May I call my father?”

General Organa smiled at him. “Send him my love.”

She looked at him intently, before gently patting his cheek and leaving the room.

Poe took several deep breaths and tried his best to steady himself. He nodded at himself; he was ready. Ready as he could be.

When his father answered the call the first thing he heard was a gasp.

“Poe.” His father had uttered.

“Hi, papá.” He said back nervously.

Finn walked passed the com room and heard a familiar voice. Did he just say papá? He silently sneaked into the room, curiosity taking over. As he hid behind a pillar he watched the holo of a man who looked so much like Poe it made him want to laugh.

“How have you been my son?” He heard the man ask. 

Poe sniffled. “Currently? Not too good. In general? same old, same old. Speaking of General, Leia sends her love.” He saw Poe fake a smile.

Poe had said some really hurtful things, but as he watched him fake his smile and do his utmost best to keep it together he felt bad for the things he had said too. They both had bad things going on in their lives. It wasn’t fair to compare.

He knew that deep down most of his anger came from the fear of losing Poe, but fighting…. fighting was not going to make things better or easier… and it certainly wasn’t going to stop him from losing Poe.

“What’s wrong, mijo?”

Poe shrugged and sniffled. He looked like a kid who accidentally broke something valuable and went to his parents to admit it.

“I had a fight with my friend. My best friend really…” He frowned at himself. “It was stupid and I said all the wrong things. and I’m not sure how... I mean, I think I- I think I went too far. I don’t know if I can fix this.”

Finn wanted to step over and tell Poe that though he did go far, he wasn’t the only one who had done that. Except then his father asked him who the friend was and if he knew them, and Finn witnessed Poe light up.

“You don’t know him but you’d love him.” He wiped the tears off his cheeks with an embarrassed chuckle before continuing. “I met him about a year ago. He was a stormtrooper, and he defected and saved me. I flew a tie-fighter and he took down the canons and other tie-fighters.” He grinned at the holo. He couldn’t really put a finger on how he felt at that moment, but he was glad to finally tell his father about Finn.

“He’s been fighting with the resistance ever since. We share a room cause he’s.. not good at being alone…” He rubbed a hand on his face. “I need to find him.” He whispered to himself.

“He’s brave, and kind, and warm, and strong… and I was mean.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I need to find him.” He said more determined.

“Yes you do, son.” Kes nodded. “And mijo? Tell him how brave you think he is. Tell him with that same glow.”

Poe blushed and softly touched his cheek. “I don’t have a glow.”

Finn blushed from behind the pillar; he definitely had a glow.

“It was good to see you again, mijo. Although I’d prefer the real deal.”

“I know, papá. I’m sorry.”

For a moment Finn was glad Poe was looking down and couldn’t see the pained expression on his father’s face.

“When will you come home, my boy? When will I see you again?”

“I don’t know, papá.” He raised his shoulders sadly.

When they fell back down Finn realised the call was coming to an end and quickly made his way out of the com room. He wasn’t sure where to go next. Where would Poe look for him?

“I’ll see what I can do.” He said eventually.

It’s not that he didn’t want to see his dad, he was just scared. Scared of the things his father would say to him. Scared of the things he had to say to his father. Scared of feeling the power of the force tree again.

“I love you, Poe.” His father said sternly.

Poe laughed in relief. He hadn’t heard those words in years.

Finn panicked and ended up quickly running to their room.

“I love you too, dad.” Poe smiled genuinely this time.

When he walked around the base there were so many things going through his head. He missed his dad, he missed Finn, he needed to apologise to him, he needed the General, he needed some time to himself… he needed too much.

When he couldn’t find his best friend anywhere on the base he sighed and decided to go back to their room. Of course, as always, Poe found what he was looking for in the last place he looked.

“Hey.” He said quietly as he spotted Finn sitting on his bed.

“Hey.” He replied just as quietly.

It was odd; leaving each other after a heated argument, anger surging through you, and then forgiving each other before you see them again. Should he stay angry and pretend that he hadn’t heard Poe’s call with his father? Should he stay silent and wait for Poe to speak?

Poe plopped down on his bed, ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

“I…” He started hesitantly. Staring at the ceiling seemed to help, so he focused all of his attention to it as he spoke.

“I’m sorry for the things I said. I was wrong… and mean… It was unfair of me to say any of that and I’m truly sorry, Finn.”

He dared a glance in Finn’s direction and saw him staring up at the ceiling too.

“Thank you,” Finn said after a moment of silence. “I’m sorry too.”

Poe wasn’t sure how to react to that. It was nice to hear an apology, but deep down he felt like he did not deserve it.

“You were right, you know.” He said instead. “about my dad.” He finally dared to turn his head and fully look at him, just to find Finn staring back at him.

“Hm?” Was all Finn replied with.

“You’re right. I never contact my father. I should appreciate him more.”

The eye contact they were sharing was intense. Intense beyond anything Poe had ever experienced.

“I called him.” He motioned in the direction of the com room. “After you left.”

Finn chewed his lip. He hesitated.

“I know.” He said eventually. “I walked by and I heard you talking.”

Poe blushed a deep shade of red. “How much did you hear?” He felt like he had to be careful with that question, but he asked it anyway.

“Uh the first thing I heard was ‘hi papá’ and the last thing I heard was your dad saying he loves you.”

Poe sat up at that answer, and Finn followed.

“So, you’re telling me that you were right there the whole time and then when I left to find you, you just... ran to our room, while I spent ages walking all over the base?”

Finn pressed his lips together, sending Poe a sheepish look.

In return, the pilot just stared at him until he broke and laughed warmly.

“Well, ain’t that typical of us..!”

Finn joined his laughing, but had to admit that he was hurting on the inside. As he watched Poe laugh he realised that he hadn’t seen or heard Poe laugh properly in ages.

He remembered first joining the resistance and having a smiling Poe around him at all times. He remembered his flirtiness, his sass, his jokes… Remembered his hand on a leg, an arm around shoulders, his face always close, always smiling, eyes sparkling, his laugh deep and warm and loud. He had always found it awfully contagious.

You could never be sad or angry around the man. He would always be infectiously charming and loving and happy. He would always touch, and smile, and joke, and shine until you smiled with him.

The past few months had been different. They’d all been scared, and they’d all been running. He hadn’t noticed just how dark and unlike himself he had become until now.

His laughing died down and soon enough so did Poe’s.

Finn stood up and made his way over to Poe’s bed, sitting down next to him. Maybe he wanted to try and see if the old Poe was still in there somewhere. Maybe he just wanted to be close to him. He wasn’t even sure of that himself.

Poe moved closer, in an attempt to wordlessly mend their bond again. He had been feeling awfully distant for way too long. Finn smiled and pressed their shoulders together.

“Why haven’t you visited your dad in so long?” He pried carefully.

Poe breathed in sharply and the younger man immediately regretted his question. He put a hand on Poe’s knee, who calmly put his hand on top. The pilot breathed out and smiled gently at Finn, as if he knew Finn felt bad for asking.

“Because… last time I saw him, he said I reminded him of mom… I could see how sad it made him, how much it hurt him, so I decided to stay away.”

Finn wasn’t sure how to reply to that. He slowly lowered his head onto the other’s shoulder. “I’m sorry about that.”

They weren’t sure who had made the move to lace their fingers, but they were both glad to be sitting like that.

“I’m sorry about a lot of things,” Poe replied eventually.

He closed his eyes and allowed himself to lean a little more into the touch he was so carefully receiving. He allowed himself to soak in the warmth and the love and the peace, he hadn’t felt in what seemed like forever. He ghosted the lightest kiss onto whatever skin he could reach without turning and making it obvious.

Suddenly Finn moved up and looked at him with so much certainty Poe felt like he had to be nervous.

“We should go see him.”

“Huh?” Poe wasn’t sure what he was talking about. He might have been too lost in his eyes to be paying attention.

“Your father. We should visit him.”

Poe’s eyes scanned over the younger man’s face, narrowing his eyes when he spotted him shivering.

“We?” He settled on asking.

“Yes, I thought maybe I should come to support you."

And there it was again; the sparkle in Poe’s eyes. The sparkle that couldn’t help make you smile. The sparkle that made his whole face feel like it was on fire. The sparkle that made him want to kiss the man. It was hard to keep that all in, but he held it together to give Poe the time to say something.

He lowered his face and raised an eyebrow at Finn. "You’re not just saying that because you want to see the force tree are you?” The grin that slowly spread on his face made Finn lean in closer. His eyes were wide with wonder.

“What’s a force tree?”

Oh, how Poe wanted to cup his cheek and hold him close. The wonder in Finn’s eyes had been long lost to the sorrow of the past months. He couldn’t believe his luck, getting to see it again and this up close too.

His smile softened as he spoke. “My mother and Luke retrieved two pieces of it years ago. We planted one of them near my house.” He squeezed their hands just a little tighter together. “Do you want to see it?”

Finn’s smile grew impossibly bigger, but then faltered. “You won’t mind?”

It hurt them both to go back to the reason their fight started, but the feeling of how close they were, how connected they felt, was much stronger.

Poe tilted his head till their foreheads touched. “Not if you’re there to support me.”

Finn felt so connected, so, so intertwined with Poe’s soul it felt impossible. The love that he felt for the man, the flutters in his heart, the warmth on his face, the deep spiritual bond… they were indescribable.

Without thinking he reached out his free hand to cup the pilot’s cheek and with his fingertips, he played with the curls right behind his ear.

“I promise.” He said as he looked so deeply into his eyes Poe shivered. “I will support you.”

Poe couldn’t figure out how to reply. All he knew was that he never wanted this moment to end. He felt like Finn’s promise meant  _ forever _ . They were words uttered in privacy, filled with a kind of love and tenderness he had never experienced and he couldn’t believe how it made him feel.

He wanted to spend the rest of eternity with this man. And yet… it seemed impossible to admit that… and so he closed his eyes and breathed in as much of the moment as he could. He wanted to remember every last hint of this. Every emotion he felt, every fibre of him that was on fire because of his touch. Every molecule that made him want to reach out and be closer; impossibly closer.

This was a love he had never felt before; a need to be close and to hold on, and to never let go.

He could feel Finn breathing in deeply and his exhale tickled against his skin. Was Finn soaking in the moment too?

He was too afraid to ruin the moment by opening his eyes, so he kept them closed and just focused his energy back on trying to capture this moment so he would never forget it.

Finn had his eyes open and took his sweet, sweet time to take in Poe’s features. His smile-lines, his wounds; new and old, the way his eyes moved behind his eyelids, the gentle smile tugging at one corner of his lips. Oh, those lips… He took every second he was given to take in those lips.

He tried his best to savour the feeling of their foreheads being pressed together, their breaths mingling, their fingers entangled, and the pure, deep calmness on his face. Finn wasn’t sure if he had ever seen Poe so calm. Not even in his sleep.

Never in his life had he felt such a strong urge to speak, but oh stars did he want to tell the man he loved him. He wished he wasn’t so scared. So scared of losing Poe, scared of being rejected, scared of fighting… Even though their earlier fight proved that they would always be okay afterwards. It still scared him.

And so both men stayed exactly where they were; quiet, warm and full of love. Their fears might not be their best qualities, but as they sat there they realised they might not be their worst enemies either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter, let me know your thoughts! <3
> 
> Next chapter will be up tomorrow.


	2. It's been a long, long time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe visit Yavin IV. Poe gets some things off his chest and Finn experiences the Force Tree.  
> Ft Kes Dameron who likes to tease, but also loves so fully.

They weren’t sure just how long they sat there like that, but at one point Finn’s stomach growled and he backed off with an awkward chuckle.

Poe blinked the haze away, and it felt like waking up from a nap. Finn once again felt the overwhelming urge to kiss the man as he watched him pull himself out of his drowsy state. His smile was almost shy when their eyes locked.

“Maybe we should get something to eat.” Finn offered.

Poe nodded in agreement. His gaze moved to their locked hands and both felt a blush creep up to their ears in an instant. Perhaps it was good that neither were looking at each other at that moment. Who knows what would have happened if they had seen each other blush like that.

It took some effort to pry their fingers apart. Had it really been  _ that _ long?

They ate dinner mostly in silence, not daring to look at each other in public. Rey and Rose kept looking at each other both questioningly and knowingly. They knew something had happened between the two of them, but they weren’t sure why they were being so awkward about it.

The girls decided to leave them alone for the time being, but as soon as they were getting Finn alone... they were going to ask so many questions.

The next day, first thing in the morning, the two men asked the general for permission to fly to Yavin IV. The general looked between their pleading faces and had a hard time stopping her laughter from bursting out.

“Permission granted.” She said professionally, but Poe knew that look. She couldn’t fool him.

Finn walked out of the room first, and Leia quickly took a moment to grab Poe’s hand and talk to him in private.

“It’s good to see you’re finally going home, Dameron.”

Poe smiled sadly.

“I’m glad to see him again.” He agreed.

She kissed his forehead and smiled gently at him. “Give him my love.”

Poe laughed at that. “I know, General. I will give him your love.”

She hugged him tightly before opening the door and ushering him out.

“And Finn?” She asked around the corner. “You bring my best pilot back in one piece.”

Finn gave a nod of the head and saluted her. “Will do.” He said with a smile.

Leia rolled her eyes. “These idiots will be the death of me.” She muttered under her breath.

When they arrived at Kes Dameron’s house, Finn saw a man running out of his house at light-speed. Poe was facing the Falcon as the man ran over.

“Hey, uh Poe?” Finn warned.

Poe hadn’t turned around for a second yet before his dad crashed into his arms. Poe screwed his eyes shut and hugged back almost as tightly as his dad was hugging him.

“My son…” He muttered into his shoulder over and over.

_ My son… My son… My son… My son… My son… My son… My son… My son… My son… _

After several minutes had passed by Poe suddenly remembered Finn was standing next to them, looking unsure of what to do.

“Um, papá? You are crying in front of our guest.”

Kes backed away quickly, dried his face, and turned to Finn with an apologetic smile.

“My apologies. You must be Finn.” He said, extending a hand.

“I am sir.” Finn smiled and took the hand, just to be pulled into a big hug.

He laughed when the man finally let go of him.

“I’m Kes. Nice to meet you, Finn.”

“Likewise, sir,” Finn said politely.

Poe watched him adoringly from aside. The light on Yavin IV made him glow in a way he never wanted to forget.

“Oh please, just call me Kes.” He faintly heard his father say.

“Come. Come into the house.”

He noticed his father walking towards the house, but he couldn't take his eyes off of Finn. He knew Finn was looking back at him by now, but he just couldn’t help it.

In the distance, he heard his father ramble about something and then suddenly stop. He had probably noticed they weren’t following him. He was probably looking at them right now. He was probably seeing right through his son in an instant; realising just how he felt about their guest.

That thought is what woke him up from his trance. He shook his head to get back to reality and then shyly motioned for Finn to walk with him. He heard his father chuckle quietly, but decided not to mention it.

When they were inside Kes showed them both around the house. He had made a few changes since Poe had last been there. Though his old room was still the same and his parent’s bedroom too. That one hurt him a bit, knowing that his father would never get over losing the love of his life.

He carefully glanced over at Finn. As he looked him over, and watched him smile and chat with his dad, he understood that feeling. He’d never get over losing Finn either.

He was awoken from his train of thought by Finn’s warm laugh. He hadn’t even realised they had walked away without him. When he went to check on what had happened he stumbled upon Finn in his old room, holding one of his old toys in his hands.

“This is adorable,” Finn said matter of factly.

Poe felt the need to laugh, but the chuckle that came out sounded embarrassed. Finn’s hand was instantly on his back with a comforting touch. How did he get so lucky? How did Finn just stumble into his life, save his life, and then continue to shake up everything till he was happy with it?

“That one looks like you.” Finn pointed at a doll dressed like a resistance pilot.

Kes picked it up so carefully Finn knew it was a special one. He handed it over to Poe who took it with trembling hands.

“This is my mom.” He said pointedly.

It was silent for a moment, the weight of the subject causing an almost touchable tension in the room, until suddenly everyone burst out laughing.

“I don’t mean,  _ this _ is the mother that raised me,” Poe said as he wiped tears of laughter from his face.

Finn chuckled. “That would’ve made your childhood worse than mine..!”

Finn laughed, but Poe and his father froze. Kes in embarrassment and Poe in concern. The moment Finn noticed he froze as well.

“I’m sorry,” Poe whispered, once again feeling bad for their fight from the day before.

“Oh no, I didn- I wasn’t- I didn’t mean to make it uh… uncomfortable.” Finn frantically tried to wave it off as nothing. It did  _ not _ feel like it was working and he swallowed heavily.

Poe placed one hand on his arm, and the other on his cheek before leaning in and kissing his other cheek softly. Finn swallowed again. He looked straight at the wall in front of him, not daring to make eye contact with the father of the man he was madly in love with.

Poe backed off and smiled like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Like this was something they had always done.

“What I meant…” He started softly. “Is that my mom, made this doll of herself for me to keep while she was away.”

“Oh, that’s beautiful,” Finn whispered, taken aback.

_ You’re beautiful. _ Poe wanted to say. Oh by all the stars in the galaxy did he want to tell him he was beautiful.

Maybe they had taken a moment too long. Maybe it had been obvious what Poe was thinking as he looked at Finn. Either way, after a moment Kes awkwardly cleared his throat.

“There’s one of me somewhere too, but I can’t for the life of me find it.”

Poe blushed slightly and looked away from his dad. “I uh… I have it…” He held the doll of his mother close to his chest. “I thought I had taken them both…”

The smile on his dad’s face as he walked over warmed him so much it almost hurt.

“You bring her with you this time then.” He said, with a hand over Poe’s.

Poe smiled back at his dad, blinking away the tears that formed in his eyes again. “Thank you.” He whispered.

It wasn’t until later, when they were sitting on the couch as Kes made dinner, that he realised that earlier… had been the first time he kissed Finn’s cheek.

He wasn’t sure whether to feel awkward about it or not. It had been a completely natural response. Partially because his mom and dad always did exactly that to apologise, and partially because kissing him felt like the most natural thing he’d ever done. It was like breathing, but better.

Finn slid sideways and bumped his head against Poe’s shoulder, shaking him from his thoughts.

“Are you tired?” He asked, as he moved to give him more space against his chest.

He got answered by a loud yawn. He chuckled as he put his arm around him.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Finn moved and pressed closer to his chest, holding on to the arm Poe had put around him.

“Dinner is almost ready,” Kes called from the kitchen.

Poe looked at him and saw his father’s eyes shift between him and Finn. He smiled fondly at them and Poe knew he’d be okay today. He knew he could say everything he wanted to say to his dad.

Finn shifted to be closer to him, turning Poe’s attention back to the man pressed against his chest. He ran his free hand over his short hair, before quickly pulling back his hand when Finn looked up at him.

He didn’t dare to lock eyes. “I thought you were asleep.” He said as a way of explaining himself.

In reply, Finn reached out his own hand and did the same to Poe.

“Now we’re even.”

He settled back down and nodded at himself. His hand went back to the spot on Poe’s arm it had previously been, and he leaned against him heavily.

“Oh, Kriff!” They suddenly heard Kes exclaim. Had he been distracted by watching his son and his best friend cuddle up and be absolutely adorable? Now, what made you think that? Did he burn the food he was making? Not at all, how dare you assume that.

He quickly scraped some of the food into the bin and stirred the rest back together. He sighed out in relief, but then quickly looked up at his son as he heard him chuckle. He raised an eyebrow at him.

Poe didn’t dare to say anything, but his face said everything his father needed to know. After a knowing look, Poe turned back to Finn who looked at him with questioning eyes. He shrugged in reply.

“Just my dad being his idiot self; burning our food.” He said casually.

“Hey!” Kes threw a piece of bread at him. “How dare you say that.” He tried to sound threatening but his smile came through loud and clear. “I am  _ not _ burning our food.”

“You’re not? Then what is it that I’m smelling?” Poe shot him a smug face and Kes quickly went back to cooking.

Finn couldn’t feel happier. Finally, the Poe he loved so much was back. The smugness, the sass, the sparkles, the laugh, all of it had come back. He knew it wouldn’t last too long. He knew they still had a war to fight, and hopefully win, but for now, he was happy to know that the Poe he first met was still in there.

It took him a while to work up to it, but during dinner, Poe finally explained himself.

“I…” He looked at Finn, who encouraged him to keep going. “I wanted to explain why I’ve stayed away so long.”

Kes put down his utensils and nodded for his son to continue.

“Back when… I was last here…” He hesitated; was this really a good idea? Then Finn placed a hand on his shoulder and he knew to keep going.

“You said something to me back then… You said that I- that I…” He sighed to stabilise himself. “…that I reminded you so much of mom… that my eyes and my smile and my spirit are so much like her and I- I could see the pain in your eyes and I thought, if it hurts him to see me, then it’s better if I stay away.” He bit his lip and wouldn’t dare look his father in the eye.

“Oh, Poe.” Kes got up and walked around the table. Poe got up too and let his father clasp his face in his hands and kiss his forehead.

“My son, I am sorry I made you feel like I didn’t want to see you.” He ruffled a hand through his hair and saw his son get tears in his eyes. “I know your mother always used to mess up your hair, but I’m the one who’s going to do that from now on, okay… but you have to promise to come back and visit your old man”

Poe nodded with closed eyes. “Okay.”

He took a moment to let it all sink in.

Not too long later he opened his eyes and sadly looked up at his dad. There was one more thing he had to say.

“Papá?”

“Yes, mijo?”

“I’m gay.” He bit his lip out of nervousness.

Finn tried his best to hide his surprise as he quietly watched the men have their moment.

“My dear boy, I know you are. I’ve always seen the way you looked at boys.” A smirk appeared on his face. “The way you looked at Luke when he and your mother planted the force tree.” His father winked at him, and Poe blushed a deep shade of red.

Finn had a lot to process from just that one sentence. He watched as Kes planted another kiss on his son’s forehead before pulling him into a hug.

“I always thought I made it clear you should love whoever you wanted. I thought I…”

He sighed, backed away and forced Poe to look him in the eye. “Poe, my son, I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me.”

Poe closed his eyes tightly, letting the words sink in.

“Thank you, papá.”

Kes gave his son a moment to think, before turning to Finn.

“I can see you and my Poe are good for each other. You make him very happy.”

Finn’s eyes widened. “Oh I-I’m not- we’re not- I mean we… uh… are not..” He desperately stumbled over his words.

Kes looked between Finn and his son with a growing smirk. Neither of the boys dared to look at each other and both were rocking a killer blush. He let them simmer in the moment.

After a while he placed a heavy hand on Finn’s shoulder, making him finally look back up. “Well, in that case, I thank you for being his friend. You do make him happy, and it’s good to see my son that way.”

“It’s my pleasure,” Finn replied politely.

There was a look on Kes's face that almost shouted,  _ I’m sure it is _ , but he decided to not torment them with more embarrassment.

“Well..! Dinner.” He decided.

Both boys breathed out a sigh and Poe, to his regret, looked at his smirking father. He quickly looked away and pressed his lips together tightly.

“Sit.” His dad told him firmly. He walked into the kitchen and soon came back out with more food.

They ate in silence for a while until Kes couldn’t stop grinning and Poe couldn’t stop worrying.

“What?” He asked with a sigh.

“Oh, something just dawned on me that I never told you about your mamá.” He shrugged it off like it was nothing, but his grin only widened.

“Never told me what about mamá?”

“She swung in more than one direction.” He winked at his son like it was an inside joke.

Poe almost choked on his drink and quickly put it down, eyes wide and shining with wonder.

“She did?”

His father nodded enthusiastically. “She had the biggest crush on princess Leia.”

“Mamá… had a crush… on General Organa?”

“Yes!” His dad exclaimed, grabbing his hand over the table. “And rightfully so, I think! I remember we spent many evenings laughing about our crushes!” He laughed warmly and looked off into the distance reminiscing fondly, both his hands now touching his own face.

“Both my parents… had a crush… on the General…” He said as he looked at Finn with big eyes. Finn returned the expression of surprise and they stared at each other until they burst out laughing.

Poe put his arm around Finn’s back as they laughed. Finn leant his forehead on his shoulder.

After a while of uncontrollable laughter, they tried to regain control of their breathing as they quieted down.

When Finn looked up their faces were so close, both stopped laughing abruptly. Their eyes scanned over the other’s face, but neither moved away.

After a moment of  _ intense _ silence, Kes popped something crunchy in his mouth and chewed it loudly.

The two hurried away from each other and quickly went back to eating. Poe dared a glance up at his dad who grinned and winked at him.

Poe ducked his head as he quickly shoved a spoonful of food into his mouth.

“Thank you for telling me,” Poe whispered later that night when they sat on the couch together.

“No. Thank  _ you _ for telling me.” He ruffled his hair once more. “I love you, my son.”

“I love you too, papá.”

As Poe settled back down he could feel Finn was tense. It took him a moment to realise why but when it hit him he wanted to actually physically hit himself in the face. He was having these wonderful moments with his dad while Finn just sat there… no fond memories of a father… no mistakes to apologise for… no problems to resolve… no I love yous to be shared…

“Hey, Finn.” He asked softly. “Do you want to see the force tree?”

Finn moved up, immediately excited. “Yes! I’d love to!”

They got up and Poe took Finn’s hand to pull him along. Kes watched them walk off together and he smiled.

For a moment he had forgotten that the younger man did not have any parents, but as he saw his son take care of the boy’s sadness he knew he had done no harm. Finn loved him and seemed to adore each word that left his mouth, and so the sadness they had created was soon gone.

The night before they arrived he had gotten a frantic call from Poe, quickly explaining Finn’s whole story. He told him all the little details he had to know, words to avoid, things not to do and more. Everything to make Finn’s visit the most comfortable one.

Well, he wasn’t sure if he had made it comfortable, assuming the two were together seemed to have embarrassed them both, but then again, he was just wrong about that for the time being… He knew the look in his son’s eyes. He had seen that look in very similar eyes years before Poe was born. He smiled at the thought.

If he could just get his son to admit his feelings…

As Kes was trying to think of a way to get the pilot and the defector together, those exact men were walking over to the tree.

Even when they arrived and stood still to admire the wonderful tree the boys did not release their hands. Finn stood close to him and held on tightly, feeling overwhelmed by the feeling of the force.

“It’s beautiful.” He whispered after a moment of silence.

Poe smiled warmly at him, even though he was feeling like he might freeze. They had only been outside for a couple of minutes, but neither was wearing their jacket and it was pretty kriffin cold.

Finn didn’t seem to be disturbed by the cold at all. Maybe he had the force to warm him, Poe thought. If that was how that worked. He wasn’t sure. He had always loved the tree, but had never quite understood the force.

Suddenly Finn let go of his hand and wandered closer to the tree.

“May I touch it?” He whispered.

Poe couldn’t help but smile. “Yes, of course.”

For a short moment, Finn smiled back at him, before turning back to the tree and touching the bark. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He could hear voices. Though suddenly he saw flashes of things in his head and needed a moment to stabilise himself.

Poe quickly stepped over and put his hands on him. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fin- Poe you’re freezing.” Finn turned his attention fully to Poe and for a moment the pilot wished he would stop. It all felt too much. His hands were on his arms feeling how cold he was and his eyes were filled with concern.

“Um yes. Are you not?”

Finn stopped for a moment, thinking. “Hm, no I’m not.”

He pulled Poe into a hug without another word.

“Oh, hah! What’s that for?” Poe chuckled as he wrapped his arms around his friend.

“You’re cold,” Finn said as he rubbed his hands over Poe’s back.

Poe was almost convinced.

“That and… thank you. For bringing me here and taking care of me and showing me the tree… I really needed this.”

Poe smiled and buried his face in the crook on Finn’s neck. “Yeah, me too.”

“What’s that?” Finn couldn’t hear a word Poe muttered into his neck.

Poe backed off and rubbed the back of his neck with a laugh. Finn did not let go of him.

“I said me too. I needed this too.” He nodded, but couldn’t look Finn in the eye.

“Yeah…” Finn hesitated. “He took it well though, right?”

“The reason I haven’t been here in years, or the bit that I’m gay?”

Finn smiled shyly. “Um, I’d say both?”

Poe laughed and nudged Finn gently. “Yes, I’d say so.”

After a moment he let his hand come back up to Finn’s arm and he forced himself to look into Finn’s eyes.

“I’m sorry I didn’t… tell you… that I’m gay.”

“What? No, buddy, you don’t have to tell me anything. You have to say those things in your own time.”

He wasn’t sure how to reply. Should he ask the man how he got so lucky? Should he hug him or maybe even kiss him? In reality, he was too scared to do any of those things, and so he ended up just smiling at him.

He noticed Finn getting shy after a minute or two and he slowly started frowning.

“Since uhh…” Finn started, his hands left Poe’s body and started to fidget. “Since you said it, I figure I should say it too. So here I am, telling you that I am gay, too.”

Poe’s eyes filled with wonder once more. “Really?”

When he looked up into his smiling eyes Finn couldn’t help but smile too. “Yes, really.”

Poe laughed and hugged him close. “I guess we really do just find each other, huh?”

Finn backed away and sent him a questioning look. “We do?”

“Well, I mean Rose is pan, Rey, Jessika, and both of us are gay… oh and snap is bi actually..!”

Finn laughed and held Poe at his waist.

Poe wanted to laugh too, but the younger man’s warm hands seemed to be burning holes through the fabric of his shirt. The skin he almost touched all felt like it was on fire.. and was his face on fire too?

Finn seemed to have noticed the effect he had on the pilot. He stepped closer and raised one of his hands painstakingly slow up, over his chest, into his neck. He blinked slowly as he moved even closer.

“Poe?” He whispered, eyes hooded as he looked at him.

“Hm?” was the only sound Poe could make in reply.

“I’m glad we found each other.” He let his eyes flick down to his lips.

“Yeah, me too.” He breathed. Was he imagining this? Was Finn really leaning in? Was he really looking at his lips?

Just as he thought that maybe, just maybe Finn was going to lean in and kiss him, he watched his eyes go big, his gaze somewhere behind him.

He moved away in an instant and Poe felt like he had been rudely awakened from his love induced drowse.

“Poe?” Finn asked in a completely different tone than a moment ago.

He stepped back, removing his hands from his body and Poe couldn’t remember a time he had felt colder. To his relief though, Finn quickly grabbed his hand. He pulled him a step backwards too and told him to turn, to look where Finn was looking.

“Can you see her?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter tomorrow!
> 
> Let me know your thoughts so far <3


	3. The toughest part of healing is the hurt you inflict on others while you're hurting too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loving someone who is suffering is hard. Harder than Finn had ever imagined. He knew Poe was hurting, but he was hurting Finn in return. Was Poe ever going to allow himself to heal? Finn was trying his best to get him that far, and he's not the only one.

“Can you see her?” Finn asked, completely astonished.

Poe could not see her, but he knew in an instant who Finn meant.

“I think that’s…” He squeezed Poe’s hand. “I think that’s your mom.”

The force ghost nodded her head.

Upon hearing him say it Poe felt his knees go weak. “Are you sure?”

Finn turned to face him and took his other hand in his too. “You can’t see her?” He asked with a sadness lacing his eyes.

Poe shook his head. “Nope. No powers, no perks, huh?” He chuckled sadly.

Suddenly, Finn moved away and though he wanted to follow him, something inside him made him stay where he was. It was odd, feeling like you couldn’t move when there was nothing actually stopping you from moving.

The awe in Finn’s eyes as he watched what seemed like one man standing alone in the dark made Poe realise what was keeping him grounded; his mother was coming over.

He couldn’t quite describe the feeling, or how it worked but it was as if he could feel the hand of his mother cradling his face ever so gently. It was a feeling he hadn’t felt in so long it instantly brought tears to his eyes. He could feel something he didn’t think he’d ever feel again, and yet it wasn’t actually there.

It was  _ odd,  _ he decided, to feel something you weren’t actually feeling. It was so real, so solid, and yet so far away. He tried reaching out himself, but he just reached into nothingness.

Although at one point all of a sudden his hand started rising and it was as if she was guiding his hand up to her own cheek, covering it with hers when he had arrived.

“I miss you.” were the first words he uttered to her.

Finn stepped closer and shared a look with Shara, before telling Poe that she missed him too.

“Are you always here? At the tree?” He asked next.

She nodded and Finn told him yes.

It felt odd for Finn to be looking at this Goddess-like spirit. He could see the resemblance; her eyes and smile were almost identical. Of course, then we had the curls. The curls he loved so much, so very clearly came from his mom. Her dress flowed around her in a wind he couldn’t feel, and there was a glow to her that made her feel ethereal.

It felt especially odd knowing it was his best friend’s mother. Knowing Poe missed her with all of his soul, but wasn’t able to see her. It put a weight on the moment, a weight on the way he echoed her words.

Poe’s face was so pained when he spoke, Finn could feel his heart breaking.

“I should’ve come back earlier…”

Shara, lovely as he knew her to be, shook her head. “My darling, the past cannot be changed, it’s the future that needs the change.”

Finn swallowed a nervously and then spoke, “She says, my  _ darling _ , the past cannot be changed, it-”

“It’s the future that needs the change.” Poe chuckled as he said one of her best-known quotes. He wiped the tears off his cheek and took a moment to smile at Finn.

“She always used to say that.”

When his arm began to hurt from holding it up so long he brought it back down, before reconsidering and reaching out to Finn. Who quickly stepped over and took his hand.

“Thank you for this, Finn.”

Finn, without really thinking about it, brought his hand up to his lips to kiss it, but as he noticed the look on Poe’s face his eyes grew wide in realisation and he quickly dropped their hands back down. Poe held on tightly though, he was not about to let go of the man he loved.

Finn decided not to tell Poe about the look Shara Bey gave them. It was a grin, a very knowing grin, but Poe didn’t need to know that.

Although on second thought, maybe there was a part of that subject that  _ he _ did want her to know.

“Poe?” He asked quietly. “Do you maybe want to tell her what you told your dad earlier?”

Poe looked at him with absolutely petrified eyes. He did want her to know, but telling her without being able to see her face was almost more terrifying than he imagined it would’ve been back when she was still alive.

Finn squeezed his hand and stepped just that little bit closer. “You don’t have to, but I just figured that maybe you’d like to.”

“I… would.” He said after a moment of thinking it over.

Finn reached out his hand to Shara and she took it. Poe looked at Finn’s hand. It was there, clearly holding something, and yet he couldn’t see it. He, impossibly enough, felt a squeeze in the hand he held at hip height, seemingly holding air. He looked from Finn’s hand to his own and breathed in deeply.

“There is something that I’ve always wanted you to know.” He admitted to the place where he thought his mom was. He glanced at Finn, who nodded for him to continue.

He breathed in deeply, stabilised himself, and then opened his eyes so determined it felt like he knew exactly where her eyes were.

For a split second, Finn felt a shiver go down his spine. The feeling of the force, the feeling of this moment, and the fact that Poe, without being able to see her, looked straight into the eyes of his mother was by far the most intense and loving experience he had ever had.

“Mamá, I’m gay.” He spoke determined and yet he sounded so scared.

Shara smiled, let go of Finn’s hand and once again reached out to touch her son’s cheek. She stepped forward and kissed his forehead. Poe shuddered from the feeling, and felt fresh tears form behind his eyelids.

“My son. My darling boy. I have known you liked boys since the moment you were becoming your own person.” She breathed the words onto his forehead, but it felt like she poured them right into his brain. He didn’t need Finn to tell him what she had said; he just knew.

“I saw you blossoming when you got to play pretend, and we did our best to give you whatever you wanted to make it perfect. Except, you always told me you wanted a husband just like me. I remember I used to tell you that you had to go and find one on your own, and you’d pout and ask me why I couldn’t find one for you.” She breathed out a laugh. Poe shivered when her breath tickled his skin. “I love you, mijo. Whoever it is that you love, as long as he loves you as much as you deserve, I will love him too.”

The tears that came rolling down his cheeks all of a sudden seemed unstoppable. With pain in her heart, Shara stepped away and let Finn come closer to hold him.

“I want to see you.” Poe sobbed, pushing Finn away, not wanting to be held by him.

“I want to feel you…  _ actually _ feel you. Not this… thi- this weird feeling that you’re here but you’re not.”

Finn’s heart broke for him. He wanted to help, wanted to be there for him and hold him and tell him everything would be alright, but he knew that he couldn’t. This was up to Poe. He had to allow himself to grieve.

As Poe broke and fell to his knees he sat down next to him in a heartbeat, wrapping his arms around him. Poe tried to push him off but Finn did not let him.

“I don’t want you to see me like this.”

Finn took a moment to let him think before replying.

“Let me hold you. Let me help you.”

When Poe finally stopped struggling he fell into Finn’s arms. He cried louder than he had ever allowed himself to cry. Finn held him tightly, rubbed soothing patterns on his back and whispered sweet promises into his hair.

Shara Bey sat on the ground next to them and softly sang the old lullabies they used to sing together. She wasn’t sure if Poe could hear her, but she just wanted to do something. She was, however, sure that Finn was helping him, but standing by unable to help was the worst feeling she’d ever felt. She placed a hand on Finn’s shoulder and when he looked up at her she smiled softly and said, “You are good for my son, thank you.”

Finn smiled with his own tears in his eyes. “He’s been good to me, too.” He admitted, hoping Poe wouldn’t hear. Except Poe backed away a little bit and looked at Finn with such gentle eyes, it made the tears roll down his cheeks.

Poe smiled through his tears and rubbed Finn’s wet cheeks instead of his own. He didn’t dare to do or say anything else and so he put his face back into the crook of his neck and let his tears fall in silence.

Shara ran her hand over Finn’s cheek and tilted her head.

“Tell me that you love him.”

Finn blushed so much it made Poe look up and touch his face to check if he really was that warm. He didn’t dare to look Poe in his eyes, but he did look Shara in the eye when he admitted how he felt.

“I do.”

Poe had placed his head back in the crook of his neck, not knowing what they were talking about. When he heard Finn speak those two little words though, he felt his cheeks warm up at the thought of what they might mean. He knew what he hoped they meant, and somewhere deep inside him, he could feel that they meant exactly that.

Shara leaned closer and pressed a kiss to Finn’s head.

“Then you too, are as my son.”

Finn, upon hearing those words, felt emotions he had never felt before. He didn’t even know what to call them. What he did know though, was that he had never experienced such exquisite pain. Did his chest hurt out of something negative? Most definitely not. It hurt from  _ love _ . The love in her voice, the love in her smile, the love in her eyes, and the love in her touch.

_ Love love love love  _ **_love_ ** .

He closed his eyes and hugged Poe so tight he made a noise of surprise.

“Take care of my Poe, my son.”

She kissed the top of both their heads and by then the waterfalls coming from Finn’s eyes were unstoppable.

Somehow Poe knew not to ask.

The two cried in each other’s arms for what felt like forever. As they cried they laughed and they groaned at the intensity of their emotions, and they couldn’t believe their luck. They held each other so tightly they were sure to have bruises in the morning… but who cares when you feel this much.

They cried until they both felt empty and weak and somehow  _ healed  _ as well. The stars had come out and neither were sure when that had happened. It didn’t matter though. Nothing seemed to matter for as long as they were in each other’s arms, holding on and being held.

Without a spoken word, they helped each other to breathe deeply to calm down. As their breathing regulated and their sobs had been fully reduced to sniffles, they finally moved to look at each other.

Both reached out and touched the other’s cheek at the same time, making them laugh. Without another thought, they held the other’s faces and brought their foreheads together. With closed eyes, they continued to breathe.

When they had fully calmed down Poe finally let his mind wander. He might have moved up with a gasp, startling Finn, but as they looked at each other they both burst out laughing. They had been feeling more than enough intensity for one day.

Poe got up and reached out his hand to help Finn off the ground as well.

“Is she still here?” He asked with sadness laced excitement.

Finn didn’t need to look around to know that she was still here. He could feel it, in his heart. He nodded slowly, searching the pilot’s bloodshot eyes for an answer.

“I want to get my dad,” Poe said now with more excitement. Except, a moment later he dropped that and got serious all of a sudden. He took Finn’s hands in his again. “Unless you don’t feel comfortable with that of course. No pressure.”

This time it was Finn who felt positivity laced with sadness. It felt odd.

“Of course, Poe. Go get him.”

He watched as Poe grinned widely and kissed his cheek, before running off to the house.

“Papá!! Papá!” He yelled out at the house.

Finn didn’t startle when Shara put her hand back on his shoulder.

“Will you tell him that you love him?”

Finn frowned but nodded. “I will. If I can find my courage.”

Shara turned to face him and held his face in both her hands. When she spoke it was with the most gentle voice he’d ever heard.

“My boy, I can see into your heart, there is plenty of courage in you. To truly free your courage it’s your past that you need to let go of; it does not define you.”

Finn thanked the stars for the rain that started pouring down on them. At least now Poe didn’t have to come back to him crying again. He would just blame it on the rain.

“Thank you.” He whispered full of love.

He could feel her squeeze his waist into a hug. Her lips pressed another soft kiss to his temple, and Finn felt like sobbing all over again.

But Shara Bey, wouldn’t be Shara Bey if she let the boy feel sad, she was after all the one Poe had taken after most of all.

She backed off and pulled a dramatic face. “I do have to say though…” She said with a teasing tone. “I can only see you as my son  _ in law _ . So I’m afraid you are going to have to tell my mijo that you love him sooner or later, or I might have to come over to your new rebel base to whoop your ass.”

Finn burst out laughing with the tears still rolling down his face. “I can see why Poe is the way he is.” He chuckled as he wiped the tears and the rain from his face.

“I promise, I will do my best to tell him as soon as possible.”

“Not just so I won’t come over to haunt you, right?” She joked.

Finn chuckled again, he couldn’t believe his luck.

“Well, we share a room so you’d be haunting Poe too.” He sent her a look as if he was totally at ease with her. Somehow, he actually did feel at ease with her. He wondered if that meant something.

Shara elbowed him teasingly, looking at the house of her family. Poe disappeared into it quickly. He had been standing outside the door, looking at them with so much love in his eyes. Finn hadn’t even noticed, but Shara knew. She saw Poe look over the moment Finn burst out laughing. She knew the way he felt, and she couldn’t be happier.

Poe ran into the house, once again yelling for his father. “Papá! Papá!”

“Mijo! What is it?!” Kes was instantly worried.

“Come papá! You must come!” He exclaimed, grabbing his father by the arm and pulling him out of the house.

“Are you okay? Is everything okay?” His father asked frantically.

He tried to stop his son and look at him to see if he was okay, but then he saw Finn standing at the force tree talking and laughing. He froze in his tracks, stopping Poe with him. He tore his gaze off of the laughing Finn and looked at his son with the most intense stare.

“Is it..?” He barely dared to ask it. He barely dared to even  _ hope _ , but oh as soon as Poe smiled at him, with the wonder in his eyes he used to see when he was a kid, he knew. It was  _ her _ .

He wasn’t sure when they had started running, but once they arrived in front of Finn they were both out of breath and laughing.

He looked at Finn, a hand on his shoulder. “Is she… is she here?”

Finn nodded with a smile. He held out his hand to where Shara was standing. She reached out and as soon as her hand met Kes’s he gasped.

“She’s here!” He laughed excitedly, grabbing Poe by the arms and dancing around with him.

“She’s really here! Your mother is here!”

Poe laughed with him and tried to get him to stop dancing in circles.

“Dad..!” He giggled. “Please, you’re embarrassing me.”

Kes stopped dancing and grinned at Finn. “I don’t think he minds.”

Finn showed them his biggest and brightest smile yet. “Not in the slightest.”

Poe felt like he had been shot, or maybe someone had set him on fire. Was his face burning? Was all of him burning? Kes looked between the two of them and stepped back over to where he knew his wife was. Though he couldn’t see her, he knew she was there waiting for him.

He reached out his hand and Shara took it. They seemed to be looking at each other, before they both turned to watch their son and his best friend.

Poe seemed to step over to Finn in a daze. The smile was still there on Finn’s face. It seemed like it would never falter, because the closer Poe got the bigger the smile seemed to get.

Poe was about to mention how he had never seen Finn smile so brightly, but then he noticed the redness in his eyes. Without thinking he raised his hand to cup the man’s cheek. Finn’s smile lessened as he leaned into the touch. It was such a small, gentle touch that Finn felt like maybe he’d melt away because of it.

“Were you crying?” Poe asked carefully. His thumb brushed away the wetness on his cheek. Finn’s eyes were impossibly soft.

“Yes, but in a good way.” He admitted. “Your mom is very nice.”

“Yes she is,” he said with a nod. He looked in her direction and noticed his father looking at them. He had no doubt his mother was doing the same thing. He quickly dropped his hand from Finn’s cheek and shot his parents a look that was supposed to be a confident,  _ you didn’t interrupt anything _ , but actually looked more like a,  _ you totally did not just interrupt the 20th tender moment I’ve had with this man today, I don’t know what you’re talking about. _

Kes and Shara smiled at them warmly. Finn smiled back shyly, this did not help his case of ‘why I can’t tell him I love him yet’, but he took comfort in the fact that Kes and Poe didn’t know about their earlier conversation.

Kes cleared his throat and turned back to his wife. “Finn, will you tell her I love her?”

Finn laughed awkwardly. “She can hear you, but she says she loves you too.”

The younger men watched as the older man seemed to enter a trance-like state as Shara reached out to touch his cheek. It looked like it was the only thing keeping him from collapsing.

They spent an hour talking to each other via Finn. The moment was so unreal yet so serene that they barely felt the time pass.

The rain seemed to be done, and they were all absolutely thoroughly soaked, and therefore also freezing. Poe shivered quite violently and regretted running into the house to get his dad, but not grabbing a jacket.

Finn however, was not affected by the cold at all, and so he immediately offered to hold him to keep him warm. Poe had blushed and tried to brush it off as not important, but Finn was already moving. He stepped aside, moved Poe by his shoulders in the direction of his parents and stood behind him. His arms slowly wrapped around his waist, making Poe shiver from the touch.

“See?” Finn said, leaning around to try to look him in the eye. “You totally need my warmth.”

Poe was glad that he saw the shiver for a sign of being cold, and not for what it really was.

Finn moved one arm across his chest, wrapping his fingers around his shoulder, and leant his chin on the other shoulder.

They stood there like that watching Kes and Shara have their moment of soft touches that they felt but technically weren’t there.

Until all of a sudden, they saw Kes tilt his face… and purse his lips…

“Are you kissing?!” Poe exclaimed.

“What?” Kes exclaimed back.

“You shouldn’t be kissing.. she’s a ghost!” He definitely felt more weirded out than necessary but it just felt strange and kind of wrong.

“You shouldn’t be kissing…” Kes repeated in a mocking tone. “We  _ should _ be kissing, and so should you!”

Both Poe and Finn immediately started protesting. “We? Us? How can you- no that just-”

The funny thing was though, that neither moved away from each other. They just protested with Finn’s arms around Poe and his face in his neck, and Poe’s eyes still glassy from the whole overwhelming feeling of it all.

Kes grinned and held his hands up in defence. He looked his son intently into his eyes as he said, “Alright alright. I didn’t say who. I just meant you should be kissing…” As he neared the finish of his sentence he moved his eyes to Finn, looking him up and down. “…the right partner.”

Poe sighed and rolled his eyes; his dad was bloody typical. Was he ever going to stop teasing Poe about his very obvious feelings for the man? He doubted it.

In the silence, Kes had gone back to kissing his wife and Poe groaned loudly.

“You know I can’t see her right? And neither can you..!”

Kes just grinned at him before turning back to his wife, but not kissing her yet. “I might not be able to see her, but I sure can feel her.” He closed his eyes and smiled when he felt Shara breathe soft butterfly kisses past his lips.

“Oh kriff, that's nasty…” Poe complained way too loudly.

His father backed away again, this time with a sigh. “Mijo, I haven't kissed your mother in years. I’m taking this moment, and I’m taking as long as she’ll let me."

Shara smirked and Finn couldn't help but do the same.

As they stood there, Poe tried to think of something to say to take his mind off of things.

Instead of him distracting himself, however, it was Finn who suddenly distracted him as he noticed his smirking. As soon as Poe felt it he turned and dramatically stared at Finn.

“You're a traitor.” He grumbled.

Finn just smirked and held him tighter. “Yeah, I am.” He said smugly.

Poe rolled his eyes and tried to elbow him in the ribs, but Finn grabbed his hand and pulled it tightly around himself.

The pilot pretended to be annoyed by it, but in reality, he was already distracted. Majorly distracted, to be honest. Their hands being together, their fingers intertwined…. He wondered if he was ever going to find a word to describe that feeling.

They stood there like that for a good few moments, not even paying attention to Kes or Shara.

At some point, Poe had, without realising, freed his hand to push some hair behind his ear.

Not two moments later the hand that was previously on his shoulder moved up and tangled into his hair. Finn backed off with a soft hum of surprise, before doing his best to not start laughing.

“Poe… your hair..!” He leant his nose against the side of his head as he giggled.

Poe reached up again and sighed as soon as he felt the texture and volume of his hair.

“Oh, Kriff I have  _ not _ missed this..!”

Finn laughed fully this time, not feeling the need to hold it in. “What happened?”

Poe just rolled his eyes and sighed again. “It’s the humidity in the air.”

The traitor put his hand back into the curls and felt around. Finn was definitely making it worse, but as he felt that hand gently move around in his hair, Poe couldn’t find it in himself to care.

Had he closed his eyes to enjoy the feeling just a little extra? Of course. Was he going to admit that to anyone? Absolutely not.

“You know what? I love it.” Finn said, not removing his hand.

_ You know what? I love you. _ Poe thought.

He couldn’t see it, but he could feel his mother looking at him. As if she knew what he was thinking. Sure enough, he saw his father turn to him and then grin at the space he knew his mother was standing. He rolled his eyes at them and Kes smirked at him in return.

Suddenly Poe panicked, realising that if his mother knew what he was thinking that meant that Finn probably knew too. He abruptly turned around in his arms, which ended up on his hip and on the side of his head. Finn let the hand slide down to cup his cheek.

“What’s wrong?”

“C-can you… can you read minds like.. like  _ him _ ?” He asked with a frown as he bit his lip.

Finn took both his hands back and sighed. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“I don’t know if I can, Poe, but what-” He stopped when he opened his eyes and saw the pain in Poe’s own eyes. He sighed to calm himself and then stepped back over and touched his face.

“If it turns out that I can.. you know I would never do that without permission, right?”

Poe nodded his head, but he didn’t dare to look Finn in the eye. Something inside him was not convinced and it hurt Finn. He thought that maybe after everything that had happened that day, that he would finally trust him fully.

Finn let go of Poe’s face and walked over to where Kes and Shara were standing. “Do you need me to translate more of what she’s saying?” He asked ignoring the gaze of Poe he could feel on him.

Shara stepped closer and touched his cheek gently. “He means well, my boy. He’s just scared.”

Finn closed his eyes. “I just wish he wasn’t scared of me.”

He could feel that Poe was hurting. He hated it. He hated how he promised he wouldn’t get into his head and yet here he was, feeling something Poe wasn’t expressing. He hated it because Poe hurt him. He didn’t get to hurt. He knew that was a selfish thought, but he couldn’t help but feel that way.

“I’m not scared of you! I’m scared of the force!”

Finn opened his eyes, but wouldn’t turn around to face him. Instead, he looked in front of himself at a very interesting spot on the ground.

“The force is in me, Poe. It’s a part of me.”

Poe hated how calm he sounded. He was hurting and he was loving and he was  _ scared _ , and he didn’t know how to handle it all at once. He felt defeated.

“He tortured me, Finn.” The aching in his mind and body became too much to handle and he let himself sink to the ground.

Kes felt frozen. He wanted to run over to his son, he wanted to hold him. He wanted to get angry at whoever it was that hurt his son, but he knew that if he got involved he would only make things worse. They needed to get through this alone.

“I am strong,” Poe said through gritted teeth. “I tried to keep it together, Finn, but he… he got to me… No matter what I did he just reached into my mind and took everything he wanted.”

He hit the ground with his fist. “I have been through plenty of torture. I have probably experienced all variables of torture and I have always held up, Finn.  _ Always _ ! but not with him..! He just reached out and took it all, like it was nothing.”

Finn closed his eyes once more and tried to do as Rey had taught him. Breathe. Focus. Find some form of peace.

When he felt calm he turned to face Poe. He was still angry with him, and still hurt, and he had so many things to say to him, but he was not going to do it here and now in front of his parents.

“You  _ are _ strong, Poe.” He slowly walked back over to him. “..but Kylo… he has an unfair advantage. One that not many people have. One that, in the  _ wrong _ hands, would leave anyone defenceless.”

He knelt down in front of him and showed him his hands. “These… are not the wrong hands, Poe.”

Poe smiled faintly, and as soon as he did Finn moved his hands to cup his face and turn it upwards. He blinked slowly with a calm exhale, before pressing his lips to Poe’s forehead and letting them linger.

When he backed away he held out both his hands, and Poe took them slowly. He got pulled up as soon as Finn was standing. He held on as they stood.

“These are not the wrong hands,” Finn repeated as he looked him in his eyes.

Poe looked down at their hands. “These are not the wrong hands.” He agreed with a nod.

Finn smiled at him, finally feeling like he had gotten through to him, but Poe didn’t look up yet. He wanted to study his hands, and what they looked like next to his own. What they looked like  _ holding _ his own.

Except Finn did not allow him to do that for long; he pulled on his hands, guiding them around his waist before letting go and wrapping his own around his pilot in a tight hug.

Poe buried his face in Finn’s neck, which by now felt like his signature move when it came to hugging Finn. He smiled against his skin for a long time.

After several minutes had passed by he moved away, but only an inch or two. “I’m sorry, bud.”

Finn just hugged him tighter in response. “I know, Poe.”

They hugged for a long time. Such a long time in fact, that at some point Kes loudly yawned to get the boys’ attention. They backed away with a chuckle.

“Time for bed?” Kes suggested.

Both men nodded.

Shara turned to her husband again and held his hands and kissed his forehead.

Finn felt the need to tell his best friend what was happening and so he leant a little closer and whispered, “She is holding his hands, and she just kissed his forehead, and now uh… she’s kissing his mouth.”

“Mom..!” Poe whined jokingly. They all laughed together, and for a moment, everything felt right; the tension finally oozing away. It felt like home.

She walked over to the two of them and Finn stepped aside to give her space. Poe looked at him questioningly.

“She’s coming over.”

Before he had turned back he could already feel the odd breath of a touch on his face.

He closed his eyes and allowed himself to pretend she was alive and well. He felt her lips on his cheeks, his nose, and his forehead, and imagined her standing in front of him.

“Don’t let the weight of the galaxy pull you down, mijo.” She whispered to his head. “When you open your eyes, I won’t be there.”

He nodded and tried to prepare himself for it. When he opened his eyes it still hurt. His imagination was his worst enemy sometimes.

Shara moved to Finn and kissed his forehead too.

“Don’t forget to tell him.” She reminded him.

“I won’t.” He promised.

Poe wondered what that meant. What won’t Finn? Won’t he say something? Or do something? He wanted to ask so badly, but he knew now wasn’t the right time.

“See you in the morning?” She asked hopefully.

Finn didn’t need to ask the others to know that they wanted that too.

“See you in the morning.” Finn agreed.

“Good night, mamá,” Poe whispered.

Finn smiled at him and touched his arm. “She says good night mijo.”

They walked back to the house in silence.

Once back inside and standing in Poe’s room, Kes rubbed his face. “So, we only have the one bed.”

Poe put a hand on Finn’s back and smiled warmly. “I’ll take the couch.”

Finn immediately frowned and told him no. “This is your room, Poe. If anyone’s sleeping on the couch it’s me.”

“No Finn, you are the guest, you take my bed.”

Finn frowned dramatically. “You’re  _ not _ sleeping on the couch.”

“Okay fine, I’ll sleep here too then, there’s  _ plenty _ of room for both of us.” He’d meant it sarcastically, but Finn just shrugged and agreed.

Poe cursed under his breath, making his dad chuckle.

“Well gentlemen, good night. I’ll see you both in the morning.” He kissed his son on the forehead, as he always used to do. He hesitantly looked at Finn, who wasn’t even noticing what was going on. It took Kes about a second to decide, and he walked over to Finn and kissed his forehead too.

Finn got awkward in an instant and couldn’t make eye contact with him. Kes chuckled when he spotted the awfully hidden smile on the man.

“Good night, Finn.”

“Good night…”

Kes grinned at him. “You better not be about to say sir.”

“Oh leave him alone, dad.” Poe chuckled.

His father laughed, but left the room nonetheless.

Poe took his shirt off without another thought. He hadn’t quite realised what was going on until he turned around and saw Finn without his shirt on too. He wasn’t sure why he froze, or why he blushed. They had seen each other like that a hundred times. He felt the need to turn around nevertheless and he so left to go to the bathroom.

Finn breathed out a sigh of relief. He didn’t know why the pressure was on either. Although the more he thought about why being shirtless around each other was intimate, the more he realised how narrow the bed really was.

When they were both ready to sleep Finn laid down first. Poe sat on the edge of the bed and smiled at him. “Good night, Finn.”

Finn smiled back. “Good night, bud.”

The pilot laid down on his side, facing away, while the younger man laid on his back and stared at the ceiling.

As silence fell over the rest of the house, they could hear Kes talking.

“Oh, Shara… I don’t know how we did it but… He truly is a good man. I know you just saw a bad side of him, but… He is everything that we were, that we loved.”

Finn glanced at Poe’s tense posture.

“The stories I have been told..” He laughed quietly. “I know you heard him say things about all the times he’s been hurt, but those are far from the only stories. He has told me about many good moments too. I can’t wait to share them all with you.”

They weren’t sure if he knew they could hear him, but both men felt like it was better to give him his time alone with his wife.

Finn kept his eyes on Poe, making sure he was okay with everything his father said about him.

Kes chuckled in the empty room. “He’s you, my dear. He’s so much like you that sometimes it’s unbearable.”

Upon hearing that Finn immediately turned and wrapped an arm around Poe.

“In the best way possible.” They heard him say, and Poe finally let go of a breath he’d been holding for much too long.

Finn pressed closer, pressing his nose in the crook of his neck and holding him tightly.

“I have missed him so much, Shara… I thought we’d lost him.”

To this Poe grabbed a hold of Finn’s hand and squeezed tightly.

“But he’s okay.” Kes continued. “He is in one piece, and he still has your beautiful eyes and smile, he has friends, and he is loved.”

Poe could feel Finn smile against his neck. He tried his best to stop the goosebumps from coming up, but he knew Finn had noticed them the second he felt his lips brush his skin in a tiny kiss. The touch was so gentle it made him shiver, and in return, he felt Finn smile again.

He thought of saying something like,  _ stop it that tickles _ , but that meant moving away from his touch, and he couldn’t bear to do that right now.

They listened to more of Kes’s one-sided conversation, without moving. All this time Finn’s lips were still ghosting over his neck. That was until he shifted backwards. Poe thought he’d lost the contact he craved so badly, but then Finn told him to move over.

“There’s more space than we’re using.” He whispered.

When Poe didn’t move he tugged on his waist. “You’re gonna fall out of bed.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” he muttered in reply.

Finn chuckled, put his arm tighter around him and pulled him further onto the bed.

Poe might have yelped and Finn might have laughed too loud, but who cares when you’re so close to your best friend.

The intimacy of Finn’s bare chest being pressed against Poe’s bare back was honestly a little too much for both of them.

Finn had never experienced so much skin to skin contact and though it was overwhelming he didn’t want to give it up for the world.

Poe felt like he had permanent goosebumps. He would’ve felt embarrassed if it wasn’t for Finn’s arms feeling like a place where he belonged.

They slowly let themselves relax, and sank into the mattress. Both men tried to soak up as much of the feeling as they could as sleep overtook them both.

No nightmares came that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof that was a heavy one! I have loved writing it, and I hope y'all have loved reading it. Please let me know what you think. <3


	4. Feelings aren't always easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's their last day on Yavin IV. Poe tries to get some alone time with Finn, but that's very hard when your dad has horrible timing and likes to tease. At the end of the day they are sad to go, but Poe is also very, very glad to be getting away from his teasing father.

In the morning Poe woke up first. He felt confusion wash over him as he tried to orientate where he was. He was lying on his stomach, half on top of something- no wait, someone.

He breathed in deeply as he realised how he was positioned. As he opened his eyes and peered up at the face of a sleeping Finn he couldn’t help but grin. He tried his best to move as little as possible; he did  _ not _ want to wake Finn up, but he just  _ had _ to look at that beautiful, peaceful face from up close.

As he settled back down on his chest he focused on the rising and falling of it. The gentle up and down, the tickle of his breath, the heat coming from his skin, he tried to soak it all up. If he could stay like this forever he’d be content.

Of course, not too long after, Finn woke up too. As soon as Poe noticed his breathing change he closed his eyes and pretended to still be asleep.

Finn gently opened his eyes, blinking slowly as he tried to focus on the ceiling. He could feel the weight on his chest and frowned. Somehow he knew to be slow, and so when he moved to take a look at the face on his chest he didn’t startle the man awake.

He smiled at the image of a peaceful Poe.

“I wish you could always look this peaceful.” He whispered with a sad smile.

It was a good thing that Finn closed his eyes to kiss his forehead, because Poe couldn’t help but show the emotions he felt on his face. Thankfully he was able to conceal everything when Finn backed away again.

Except then he ran a hand through his wild curls, still messed up from the night before but worse, because of bedhead. Poe couldn’t stop the smile tugging at his lips at the feeling.

Finn looked down at his smile and felt his cheeks heat up.

Poe breathed in deeply and pretended to wake up.

“Hey,” Finn whispered, not removing his hand from his hair.

“Hey,” Poe replied when he finally opened his eyes. He had forgotten how close their faces were. He had forgotten how Finn’s lips were right in view the moment he opened his eyes. He had forgotten, for just a moment, how badly he wanted to kiss those lips, until he saw them again.

He quickly forced himself to look up, trying his very hardest to not turn as red as the rebel logo. He knew he was capable of reaching that shade, and so he did his best to think of all sorts of things that would most certainly not make him blush.

Except then he watched his own hand come up and cup Finn’s cheek without registering that it was doing that. His eyes went wide, but then Finn smiled wider and leant into the touch.

“Good morning.” He whispered

“Good morning.” Poe agreed shyly.

Neither were sure how long they stayed like that. Both  _ were _ sure that they were blushing like crazy, and that the other knew about it. Except the latter couldn’t be more wrong. They were both too focused on the feeling of their touch and their closeness to even notice the other’s blush.

“Boys, are you awake?” Kes called up the stairs.

They both seemed to startle awake out of the trance that they had been staying in.

Poe moved his face towards the door and called out a yes.

“Breakfast will be ready in 10.”

“Alright, thank you!” Poe called back.

When he turned back around he found Finn staring up at him with so much love in his eyes he felt like melting. Poe smiled awkwardly, the butterflies in his belly going crazy as he couldn’t find the strength to look away from those gorgeous eyes.

“Hey.” He breathed.

“Hey.”

Finn was so lost in the pilot’s beauty he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Both were so stuck in their haze that they didn’t hear the knock on the door. When Kes opened the door even then it took them a moment to realise what was happening and to hurry away from each other.

Kes laughed with a glint in his eyes. He didn’t seem to feel even remotely bad for interrupting their moment. When he was done laughing he just smirked at the two of them.

“Yes?” Poe had to ask to get his father to speak. He decided to sit up and throw his legs over the edge of the bed. Maybe it was better to be a little further away from Finn so he wouldn’t fall right back into the love-filled haze, the second he looked him in his eyes again.

“Oh right, yes. Finn, I was wondering what you’d like for breakfast.”

Finn shrugged. “I’ll eat anything.”

To this Poe chuckled and got back to his regular, not dazed, self. He slapped a hand on Finn’s leg. “Yes, he  _ will _ eat anything. You should’ve seen him at the base a while ago..! He ate so much! and loved it all too!”

“Look they didn’t train my tastebuds okay? We just ate these tasteless pods that gave us energy.” Finn said with a laugh.

How that man could laugh and joke about his childhood of torture and the weirdest numb, yet extreme, years Poe would probably never understand. He did his best to laugh with him every time he did joke about it though. It was hard sometimes, but he did it anyway. He figured Finn would appreciate it.

Kes gave them a nod and left the room without closing the door.

Poe rolled his eyes and sighed. “Papá…” He got out of bed and walked over to the door. “Will you ever learn to close my door behind you?” He sounded serious, but as soon as his eyes met his dad’s they both laughed.

Instead of answering the question, he looked his son up and down. “Maybe put on some clothes.”

Poe looked down and blushed in an instant.

“Maybe go check if you’re not burning our food again.” Poe sassed, smelling the air to prove his point.

Kes shrugged. “That’d be food burned twice for the same reason.”

“What do you mean for the same reason?”

Kes smirked and pointed his head at his son and then motioned into this room.

Poe gasped dramatically, to try and hide the fact that his blush was only getting worse and worse. He quickly stepped back into his room and closed the door. He tried to ignore his dad laughing all the way back down the stairs.

He looked at Finn with his lips pressed tightly together.

“Maybe we should get dressed?” He scratched a hand behind his head.

Finn got up quickly and then groaned as he grabbed his head with both hands.

Poe rushed over to the bed and gently touched his arm. “Are you okay?”

“Was I drunk on the force last night or something? My head feels like it’s exploding..!” For a moment Finn regretted mentioning the force. This morning had been nice between them; calm and peaceful. He was scared that talking about the force was going to drive Poe away again.

To his relief, Poe laughed. “Is that a thing?”

Finn let his eyes widen as he looked away. “I don’t know…”

He looked back at Poe with a grin. “Would explain Rey’s behaviour some days..!”

Poe laughed loudly and let himself fall onto Finn’s shoulder. He couldn’t help himself when he put his arms around him and hugged him tightly.

“Thank you for last night, pal” He mumbled. “I thought I’d never see her again.”

Finn hugged back tightly. “Anytime, buddy.”

The pilot allowed himself to stay in the hug a little longer than necessary, but Finn held on so tightly he knew he didn’t mind.

When they finally did back away they both quickly got up and got to their clothing.

Finn groaned when he picked up his shirt. “I should’ve hung this up to dry…”

Poe stepped over and touched the still soaked shirt. He did his best to focus on the shirt, but his eyes looked at Finn’s torso completely out of his own control.

In the corner of his eyes, he saw Finn noticed where he was looking, and so he quickly pretended he was trying to determine his size. “Hmm…” He mumbled with a concentrated face.

“I think you’ll fit into one of my shirts.”

Finn laughed warmly. “You think? I’ve only been wearing your clothes since I got into the resistance.” His eyes were soft and gentle towards Poe, yet he felt like he was locked inside, not allowed to look anywhere else until Finn looked away.

“I mean kriff..!” Finn said, almost testing the curse word. “This shirt is technically yours.”

Poe’s laugh bouldered through the room. “I mean, whatever’s mine is yours.”

His laugh quieted when he realised just how true that statement was. Everything he owned was Finn’s; heart included.

He quickly turned to his closet. “I’m just not sure my old shirts are going to fit you.” He tried to sound casual, but the tension was there, and it was rising. The closer Finn stepped over to him, the more he felt the need to run out of the room. Had Finn realised what the statement meant?

When Finn stood next to him he didn’t do a thing, he didn’t even speak, he just simply waited for Poe to hand him a shirt.

“I think this is the biggest one in here.” He mumbled when he handed him a deep purple shirt.

“What makes you think I need the biggest shirt in your closet?”

The sass in his voice made Poe face him with a smirk. He raised an eyebrow as he nodded his head towards his chest. “Try it on then, big deal.”

“Alright alright, calm your sass flyboy.” Finn looked him up and down with a grin.

Poe was oh so glad Finn pulled the shirt over his head just in time to not see him shiver.

When Finn pulled down the shirt he frowned. The pilot couldn’t help but laugh. He laughed so hard he had to hold on to the bedpost.

“Yeah, I think it’s a little bit tight.”

The look of innocent discouragement was so cute Poe started laughing all over again.

“You think?!” He wiped tears from his face, but still couldn’t stop laughing.

Finn pouted at him and stepped closer to poke him in the belly.

Poe yelped but felt a strong desire to pull Finn’s hand fully against his stomach.

“You try one of your old shirts on then.” The big deal said with a raised eyebrow and smug expression.

Poe shrugged, let his eyes scan over the tightness of Finn’s shirt and stepped back over to his closet. As he grabbed his second-biggest shirt he tried to decide whether or not it was a good idea to have to look at Finn in that tight top all day.

It was not.

When he put his shirt on neither had time to react as Kes walked into the room without knocking.

“Are you two coming? Your food is getting cold.”

Both stumbled over an answer before quickly following the man down the stairs.

They did their best to enjoy their meal in peace, but Kes was all too aware of the tightness of their shirts and the glances they stole off each other. Poe wasn't sure of what to do. If he looked at his father he would see him smirk and regret it, but if he looked at Finn he would see him in the tight shirt and blush, and then his father would still be smirking. There was no way of winning.

Poe was happy when Finn left to get some fresh air after breakfast. He helped his father with the dishes and hoped he would talk about other things, but of course, his father wanted nothing more than to talk about their choice of clothes.

“So, I haven’t seen you wear that in ages.” Kes tried.

Poe rolled his eyes. “Just get it over with.”

His dad laughed and with a wet soapy hand ruffled his son’s hair.

“You like him.”

Oh, that was going further than he thought he would go.

"Uhh yeah, he’s my best friend.” He replied lightly.

Kes shot him a look. “He’s more than that though.”

Poe couldn't help the blush creeping up his face. He had been blushing more in the past day than he had in a long time. He wasn’t sure yet how he felt about it.

“No papá, we’re just friends.”

“You can't really believe that.”

“Well, I do. I do believe that because it's true. We’re best buds and it's great.”

Kes looked around and spotted Finn still standing outside the house.

“And you have feelings for him.” He said determinedly.

Poe tensed up and instantly started looking around. His dad quickly dried his hands and put them on his shoulders. “He's still outside.” He said as he tried to look him in the eye.

Poe sighed and gave in, looking his father in the eye too. He didn’t dare to say it out loud and so he shrugged.

“I think he feels the same way about you, mijo.”

Poe shook his head, but his blush grew stronger nonetheless.

"No way… He couldn’t possibly…”

“Couldn’t possibly what?” Finn asked, feeling like he had walked in on a private moment. He hated the way Poe jumped at his presence, but felt it necessary to let them know he was there. He didn't want to hear anything he wasn't supposed to hear.

“Oh, uh Luke..!” Kes quickly said. “We were talking about Luke.”

“It’s a bit of a long story..” Poe said sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. He hoped it would stop Finn from asking questions.

Finn knew he was lying, but he figured it was a personal matter and so he didn’t press it.

They stood there in silence for a moment, none of them feeling comfortable, but also not being sure of what to do about it. That was until Finn realised why he had walked back into the house.

“Oh!” He exclaimed. “You two should come.”

Father and son looked at each other, before quickly realising what it was about.

“Is she here?” They asked in unison.

Finn smiled so widely Poe thought that his skin would tear. “Yes. She’s here.”

They all ran over to the tree. Somewhere in their running Finn had grabbed Poe’s hand, and he didn't even realise it until his dad was looking at him with a smirk. He looked questioningly until he followed his father’s gaze to their hands.

His initial reaction was to let go, but then Finn squeezed his hand and reached out his other hand in front of him.

“Here she is.” He whispered.

Suddenly it was hard to breathe. Was he like this yesterday? He felt a hand on his cheek and lips on his forehead. He closed his eyes tightly, feeling lightheaded.

“Breathe, mijo.” She whispered to his forehead.

Her hand came up to rest on his heart, but when he still didn't breathe she slapped his chest with it.

Poe breathed in deeply, blinked and shook his head.

“Sorry.” He whispered.

He took another deep breath and steadied himself.

Shara ran a hand through his hair, making him laugh.

“It’s still a mess, I know.”

“I’ve always loved it like that.” She answered before looking at Finn.

Finn blushed from the intensity of her gaze, but pushed through and looked at Poe.

“She says she’s always loved it like that.”

Poe pressed his lips together and laughed sheepishly. It was incredibly cute, Finn realised.

They spent the whole morning talking with Shara through Finn, and though it felt awkward at first he got used to it after a while. The smile on Poe and his father's faces was enough to make him feel at ease.

When Kes left to make lunch Finn lowered himself against the force tree to relax. The leafs started to rustle, and Finn frowned as he looked up at them. He shot Poe a questioning look, who just shrugged in reply and gazed at the tree in awe.

He slowly moved over until he was standing at Finn’s feet.

"May I?” He asked, gesturing at the ground next to him.

Finn chuckled. "Why would I say no?”

Poe shrugged once more. "Maybe you want to be alone for a bit?"

Finn patted the ground next to him as an answer.

Poe smiled and sat down, maybe a little bit too close next to him. If Finn minded, he wasn't telling him, nor was he moving away, and so Poe stayed that way. He leant against the trunk and looked up at the leafs. They were still rustling but more gently by now.

Finn’s hand found Poe’s without looking up or moving away. The leafs started moving more restlessly. It was almost as if they were reacting to the touching of their hands, Poe thought.

Finn knew, of course, that it was exactly that. He could hear the whispers, could hear kids giggling, and saw Shara Bey grin at them.

He waited, hoping it would calm down, but when it didn’t he decided to ask.

“Why can I hear kids giggling?” He asked Shara. Poe looked up and knew immediately he was asking his mother.

"Are these the kids that…” Finn couldn't finish his sentence. Shara nodded sadly.

“Why are they giggling?”

The mother smirked and nodded in his direction. Finn didn’t get it at first, but instead of saying what they were giggling about Shara decided to walk over to them and touch their hands.

They both blushed and laughed awkwardly.

Finn pulled himself together and cleared his throat. “What, have you never seen people hold hands before?”

Poe looked at him through the corner of his eyes. He couldn’t help the smile that started to form.

When the kids giggled louder Finn smirked. “Well, I bet you haven't seen this before either..!” He said as he turned to Poe.

Poe didn’t know where to look as he saw Finn closing in on him. He placed his free hand on his cheek and then leant in with hooded eyes, kissing his other cheek. He lingered, way longer than necessary. I mean, to be honest, the whole kiss was unnecessary, but Poe didn’t mind in the slightest.

Had he closed his eyes? Absolutely. Was he soaking in the feeling of every molecule that got kissed? Why, of course. What a silly thing to ask. You should know that by now.

Finn backed off laughing loudly. Poe looked at him with so much love in his eyes, he could feel his mother smirking at him.

“What did they say?” He asked in a way to distract himself.

“Most of them went ‘Ew! Kisses!’ and some of them said ‘aw!’ in the cutest little voices.”

“Ew?” Poe asked dramatically, hoping the kids could hear him too. He wasn’t sure how all this worked. “Kisses aren't gross..!"

“Yeah..!” Finn joined in. “Kisses are great!”

“I love kisses!” Poe added enthusiastically.

Finn looked at his face, down at his lips and then quickly back up at his eyes. “You do?” He asked, suddenly in a whisper.

Poe was instantly lost in his eyes again. He wanted to lean in and kiss him properly, to show him just how much he loved kisses.

They leant in slowly, but didn't dare to look each other in the eye. Instead, their gazes were fixated on the other's lips as they inched closer.

Except then Kes stepped out of the house and called for them to come to eat lunch.

Poe laughed awkwardly, holding in a groan of frustration, and quickly got up. He got up without letting go of Finn's hand and so he automatically pulled him up too.

Finn rubbed the back of his head with a breathy laugh, before quickly walking back to the house.

They eat lots, and they chat happily. They tell each other as many stories as they can, knowing they would be leaving soon.

After lunch was done and things were cleaned up, they went back to the tree to say goodbye to Shara.

Poe did his best not to cry, she had seen him cry enough in the past two days.

"I love you, mamá.” He sniffled when he knew it was time to go.

“She says she loves you too,” Finn told him with a hand on his arm.

Poe laughed sadly. “I know, mom."

Shara turned to Finn and looked him in the eye. "Tell him ‘I love you’”

Finn frowned, panic building in his chest. “I just said that, ma’am.”

“I need you to say, and I quote, your mom says I love you.”

Finn rolled his eyes and sighed. “Poe, your mom say-”

“Look him in the eye,” Shara demanded.

Finn shot her a quick look before making Poe turn to him. He tried his best to ignore the blush creeping up his face.

“Your mom says,  _ I _ love you."

The look on Poe's face was exactly what Shara had done it for and she laughed warmly.

Finn squinted his eyes at her. He didn’t dare look Poe in the eye, who was clearly feeling conflicted because of those words. On the one hand, he knew it was his mom saying those words, but they came from Finn’s mouth, accompanied by the softest, most beautiful eyes, and it felt like it meant that his mother knew  _ Finn _ loved him. Of course, that’s not how she meant it... At least that’s what he kept telling himself.

He couldn’t quite place why Finn glared at her though. It felt like they had their own personal inside joke at his expense…

“Well…” He hesitated. “…as I just said, I love you too, mom."

He felt all his worries slip away when he felt her hands on his cheeks and her featherlight kisses on his forehead.

He smiled with closed eyes. He wanted to promise he’d be back soon, but they were at the brink of the final battle of the war, and though he felt like he would survive, he couldn't be sure. He wouldn’t make a promise he couldn't keep.

“Adiós mamá.” He whispered.

She kissed his forehead one last time, and then his cheek one.. two... three times.

“Come back soon, mijo.”

Finn wrapped his arm around Poe’s shoulders and held on tight. “She said, come back soon, mijo.”

Poe smiled sadly, and Finn didn’t push for a reply; they  _ both _ knew not to make a promise they couldn’t keep. Poe was happy about that.

Shara knew too, and so all she did was move to Finn and kiss his forehead.

Finn appreciated their little family ritual of kissing everyone’s forehead. He had never felt more like he belonged somewhere. In fact, he had never felt more  _ loved _ either. Poe was good at making him feel loved and appreciated and like he belonged, but a family… that was something he had longed for all his life… and Poe's family had just taken him in as one of their own in a heartbeat.

He chuckled quietly as he remembered the condition they had given him.  _ Only as a son-in-law _ . He hoped that he could let go of his fear, as Shara had said, to tell Poe how he felt, but for now, he'd settle for just being the family friend.

Poe wondered what was going on in Finn’s head. He had an expression of pure gratitude on his face, and the chuckle was light-hearted and soft. He hooked his arm around Finn’s waist and by doing so startled him out of his thoughts.

“Ready to get our stuff?” He asked. Finn nodded with a warmth in his eyes Poe wanted to see forever. He could drown in those eyes.

Kes started walking in the direction of the house and Poe ducked his head as soon as he realised he had been caught staring… again…

Finn didn’t say a word, just took in the blush and the sheepish smile, as they walked back to the house to grab their things.

Kes kept Poe in the house as Finn already headed off to the Falcon.

“Will you tell him?” He said with both hands on his cheeks, not giving him a chance to look away.

“Papá… I can’t…" He looked down anyway and Kes decided to let him.

“Why not?”

“Because... I’m scared.”

Kes pulled him into a hug. “You can do this, mijo. Tell him you love him."

Upon hearing the specific words Poe felt his face heating up. He shook his head and bit his lip nervously. Kes held him at arm-length.

“Then tell  _ me _ you love him.”

To this Poe looked back up at his eyes. His own eyes were big. He opened and closed his mouth several times, licking his lips, swallowing heavily, moving his jaw as if he had to roll the words around in his mouth like a fine wine.

“I love him.”

He shrugged, but couldn’t wipe the nervous look off his face.

His dad grinned at him before hugging him so tightly it made Poe laugh.

He backed off, kissed his son’s forehead and smiled at him.

“Please, don’t be afraid. You deserve his love.”

Poe bit his lip as it started to tremble and looked at the wall behind his father.

“...and he deserves your love too.”

To this Poe smiled. He really loved the idea of giving Finn all the love he deserved. He had so much love for him stored, sometimes he felt like he was going to burst if he didn’t let it out.

Kes took his son’s face into his hands one last time, focussing a soft gaze on him.

“As your mother would always say, the past cannot be changed, it’s the future that needs the change.”

Poe closed his eyes.

"I know the past has hurt you… but you need to take that step away from the pain, to change the future for the better. Right now that means you have to tell your man how you feel, to be able to give him the future he deserves…” He wiped a tear off his son’s cheek. “...the future you deserve too."

Poe sniffled angrily and pried his dad's hands away from his face so that he could dry it on his shirt.

He nodded, but couldn’t get any sound past the lump in his throat.

Kes hugged his son tightly, before nudging him away and ushering him out of the house.

He walked with him to the Falcon to say goodbye to Finn. He gave him another hug and kissed his forehead as well. It still made Finn awkward and so he laughed at the way Finn couldn't look him in the eye anymore.

"Take care of my boy, my son.”

Finn shot him a look, surprised by his choice of words. He thought that the man had probably accidentally said it wrong, but Kes just sent him a look of mischievous certainty.

“Make sure you two come back to me from time to time."

Finn smiled at him, knowing that Poe would need some persuasion to come back again. He'd loved it for sure, but the second they’d get back to base he would start to overthink things and then he'd get too scared to go back again. He also smiled because he implied wanting to see him again too, and he very much liked that idea.

“I'll do my best.” He promised. It was the only thing he could promise.

Kes turned back to his biological son and Poe rolled his eyes when he saw his dad walk over again. The tears in his father’s eyes did not stop him from sassing though. “Really? You're gonna hug me for the twentieth time today?”

His father didn’t reply. He just wrapped his son in a hug and tried to hide the fact that he was crying.

"I love you, mijo."

“I love you too, papá.”

Poe tried to push his father away with a laugh. “We have to go or else the General will get mad.”

“Leia? Yeah, she definitely will.” He chuckled. "Give her my love."

“Oh, I’ll give her your love alright!” Poe said with a smug look.

Impossibly enough, Kes actually blushed.

“Don't you dare tell her that.”

Poe laughed, and for once, ruffled his dad's hair.

Finn and Poe laughed as they walked back into the Falcon. They waved one last time, and then the door closed.

Kes waved them off from the front of his house.

They’d be back. One day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raise your hand if you're experiencing feelings right now..! I sure am haha! 
> 
> Last chapter tomorrow! <3


	5. What it means to love one another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of things happen when they arrive back at base. Rey wants a chat, Leia knows things, Finn is frustrated from loving so much and Poe is... ready to take an important step.

When they arrived back at the current rebel base they saw that Rey, BB-8, and Leia were waiting for them.

The second the hatch lowered itself onto the ground BB-8 raced over to them. He greeted Friend-Finn and then quickly bumped against Friend-Poe’s legs. He got down on his knees and pressed his forehead against the droid’s little dome-head. “Buddy!”

At the same time, Finn flew into Rey’s arms. He had so much to tell her.

When Poe was done with his droid he turned to Leia. He shook her hand and she rolled her eyes and hugged him.

“My father sends his love.”

The General looked at him with a smug smile. “So he still has that crush, huh?"

Poe and Finn both burst out laughing.

“We weren’t supposed to tell..!”

"You didn't tell me anything, my boys. I have known since before you were born.”

Her hand was on Poe’s cheek for a moment, before lowering it to his shoulder. She leant in closer, and whispered, “Both your parents were extremely obvious.”

Poe giggled, loving the feeling of having a little inside joke with her like that. He looked at Finn with a glint in his eyes, and a smile that instantly got copied by him.

Leia leant in again and whispered even more quietly, “Just as obvious as you.

Poe rolled his eyes and pretended he wasn’t blushing in the slightest. "Not you too.”

He wasn't sure why he said that, since the General had been bothering him about that for ages, but after everything his father had pulled, he didn't want to hear it from another side as well.

Leia just winked at him and walked away. She’d bother him about his obvious feelings for a certain traitor of the first order another time.

The pilot stood there, hand on the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. Did everyone know? He tried not to think about that; it gave him too much anxiety.

He quickly walked over to Rey, and though she just smiled politely at him, he hugged her anyway.

"Good to see you again, Rey. How’s training?”

It sounded happy and like he was interested, but as he said that Rey was once again overwhelmed by the feeling of fear. She put up a smile to make sure he wouldn’t notice that she knew anything she wasn't supposed to know.

“It's going well. Although I’d like to not wake up with muscle aches every morning.”

The three of them laughed, and for a moment everything felt right again.

Soon enough Poe got distracted by his teammates, and so Rey decided it was a good time to pull Finn away and have a chat with him.

They went to Rey & Rose’s shared room and sat down on Rey's bed.

"Where's Rose?” Finn asked.

"She's working on one of the ships,” Rey answered with a slight blush.

"Have you told her yet?” Finn asked as he poked her in the cheek.

Rey swatted away his hand and nodded. "Have  _ you _ ?"

Finn blushed heavily, but decided to ignore that with all his might.

"You did?! So are you two a thing now?” He asked, sounding super excited for them both.

Rey sent him an annoyed look. “Finn…"

"Well, are you?”

"Actually yes, we are. But what about you and Poe?”

Finn looked down at his hands.

"Things are a bit off right now… We had some moments… but we've also been fighting for the past few days…” He really wasn’t in the mood to explain all that right now, and so he tried to think of something more fun to say on the subject.

“His dad thought we were together…” He laughed at the memory. “…he immediately denied it… I mean so did I, but he was fast about it..! But then again we also… may have... almost… kissed."

“What?!" Rey exclaimed, immediately excited. "What do you mean almost?”

“Well, we kept getting interrupted!”

“Kept?” Rey wiggled her eyebrows. "So it happened more than once?"

“Well yes, and Kes kept interrupting us. Well, that and he's scared…"

Rey turned to fully face Finn, crossing her legs in front of her. Finn did the same.

"That's what I've been wanting to talk to you about," Rey admitted.

Finn played with his hands in his lap and tried his best to not get too emotional, before finally speaking up. “He's afraid of us."

To that Rey placed her hands on Finn’s. “No, he's afraid of the force.” She looked from eye to eye, trying to pinpoint if he believed her.

"And of us for using the force."

She didn't know how to respond to that and so she stayed silent. That silence was broken when something in Finn suddenly clicked.

"Wait a minute, how do you know?”

The young Jedi scrunched up her nose and sighed. She explained to Finn how Poe spent days in the bushes watching her train. She kept feeling how frightened he was, but the one day, the day Finn was there too, she got hit with an overwhelming amount of fear.

“I saw the look on his face and knew he didn’t want to talk about it, but then I… I got hit with this wall of fear, and without trying I felt that… that he was terrified of me, or anyone, entering his mind without his permission… and that’s exactly what I did…”

“Rey that’s not what you did. You didn’t search his mind. It just came to you.” Finn tried to reassure her.

“I saw into his mind without his permission..! And again when you two got back today…!”

This surprised Finn. “He's still that scared?”

Rey nodded sadly. "It wasn’t as strong as the first time, but still strong."

Finn’s expression hardened. He really thought things were getting better, but now how could he admit how he felt? Even if his assumptions were correct and Poe did have feelings for him, how could he ever love him for who he was if he was still scared of part of him?

“I think he needs to talk about it,” Rey replied, knowing the look on his face and not liking it one bit.

“I've been trying to talk to him about it, but every time I do we end up fighting."

“Maybe you're talking about it in the wrong setting, or at the wrong moment?” Rey offered.

Finn pouted dramatically. “I'll think about it…”

Then suddenly, because he desperately needed a change of subject, he shifted on the bed and leant on his elbows looking up at Rey expectantly.

"So tell me about you and Rose."

Finn arrived back in their room when Poe was already asleep. He figured they'd talk in the morning.

Except, the next day was busy. The three all went their separate ways and didn't see each other all day.

Once they were in their room again that night, getting ready for bed, that's when they could finally talk again. They were chatting about their visit to Yavin IV, but even as Finn was laughing with him, he still seemed disinterested.

Poe looked at Finn, who was turned away from him. He was feeling awfully sentimental and thought that since they were in the privacy of their room, he might as well voice his gratitude.

“Thanks for coming with me and supporting me, buddy.”

Finn turned around and smiled at him, but then quickly turned away again with a frown.

“That’s not the only way I can support you, you know.” He said it carefully, but Poe could hear the edge in his voice.

“What do you mean?” Poe knew the dangers of that question, and he felt the anxiety in his body rising. He was not happy about the mood change, since he had been feeling so good all day, but Finn clearly needed to talk about it.

He turned back around to face Poe, but he couldn’t look him in the eye.

“I mean your nightmares. You had one again last night didn’t you? I can tell you’re afraid you’ll have another one tonight, but you’re still not planning on waking me up are you?”

Poe didn’t answer that. They both already knew the answer.

“I can help.” Finn sounded defeated.

“How.” Poe’s voice was barely above a whisper, but Finn had heard him.

He knew he had to be careful when he said his answer, but he needed Poe to know he could use his powers for good.

“I could… I could use the force to calm-”

“No!” Poe panicked immediately.

Finn did nothing to hide the fact that the outburst hurt his feelings.

“Why not?” he asked instantly, feeling rigid. He knew it was wrong. He knew the outburst came from fear and trauma, but the fact that Poe would even fear  _ him _ hurt so much he almost couldn’t bear it.

“Because I don’t want you in my head!” Poe exclaimed with more anger than he meant to.

“What does that even mean? Why don’t you want me in your head? Do you have something to hide?” Finn exclaimed as frustration took a hold of him again.

Without thinking, Poe yelled out, “because I don’t want you to find out my deepest secret!”

That silenced Finn. “You have secrets..?” He was quiet, not sure how to feel. He wasn’t sure if he had any secrets to keep from Poe. Deep down he knew that he did, but he didn’t want to remember that at that moment. He’d deal with that later.

“Yes, and I’d like to tell you on my own terms.” Poe tried to calm himself. He didn’t want to fight with him anymore, they had been fighting too many times and for much too long.

“You think I would search your brain? You think I would violate you like that? or anyone?” Finn exclaimed as the pain took over his self-control.

Poe sank to the floor.

“No! but… but my anxiety does…” He finally looked up at Finn, pleading. “I promise, I don’t actually believe you would do that…” He breathed in shakily.

Finn looked at him; forced himself to  _ really _ look at him. As he did so he realised that the man was just as tired and hurt as he was. He sighed sadly and sat down next to him, placing his hand over Poe’s.

“I know what that feels like.” He admitted.

Poe looked at him with a questioning expression.

“Irrational fears.” He took a proper hold of Poe’s hand and stared at the wall across from them. “We have both been through so many things that gave us rational fears… the irrational ones just tagged along.”

Poe closed his eyes tightly.

Finn breathed in deeply and continued. “I know how you feel beyond the fear, you know. I’ve had my fair share of traumas.”

“I know…” Poe whispered apologetically, but Finn didn’t let him say anything else.

“I know that seemingly stupid things can trigger you. A loud noise, or a wrongly placed hand, or a tone of voice. It feels odd when your fears have finally died down. In hindsight you’re always thinking, why did something stupid like that bother me in the first place? And it’s because they are reminders. However small they might be, they’re still reminders of your trauma.”

Finn squeezed their hands together.

“So, therefore, I know that the force is a big trigger for you, not a small one that seems to make no sense… but what I am trying to, slowly, tell you… is that the force can be used for good too. Not only in the way that Rey is fighting the dark side for us, but it’s also good for things like contacting your mom again. Or for this…”

He reached his hand out, and then slowly and shakily a tissue floated over to Poe’s face and attempted to dry his tears.

Poe laughed when Finn grumbled in frustration.

“I’m still learning to move things more smoothly…” He admitted, a little defeated. It felt like he had failed to make his point.

Except Poe did not see it as failure at all. His heart had grown so much from the small gesture, and he knew he was right about his mom too. He would’ve never been able to contact her without him.

“Poe…” Finn said to get his attention again. “You have helped me get through the worst of my traumas… let me do the same for you… Please."

After a moment of thinking about those words, he slowly let his head fall onto Finn’s shoulder.

“What have I ever done to deserve you?” He whispered.

Finn reached over to ruffle his beautiful curls, now back to their somewhat tamed style, before leaning his own head against his.

"You saved me from the worst thing that’s ever happened to me… The only thing that had ever happened to me… It was the only thing I was there for… and I wasn’t even special for it…! I was disposable… You gave me a  _ life _ , Poe. You gave me a name. I owe everything to you.”

For a moment Poe didn’t know how to respond.

“I think I owe everything to  _ you _ .” He ended up answering. “He would have killed me, Finn.”

Finn tried to think of something to say to assure his friend that he would not have been killed, but he knew Poe was right.

“I guess we both owe everything to each other then huh?”

Poe laughed and squeezed his hand in reply. Finn softly laughed with him.

When their laughing had quieted Finn took a deep breath.

“I could also help you in other ways, you know.”

Poe looked up towards Finn through the corner of his eyes. He hummed to make him continue, unsure of what words to say.

“I could…” Finn found himself hesitating. He wasn't sure why; he really wanted to tell him, but perhaps finally being faced with the embarrassment that was attached to his wishes wasn’t a good thing. Nevertheless, he pushed through. This was one of his irrational fears that they had just mentioned.

“I could hold you.”

Poe’s breath halted as he thought about that.

“You know…” Finn tried to explain. “…the night before… I held you and you didn’t have a nightmare that night.”

Poe stayed silent.

Finn felt panic rise in his chest and quickly tried to fix his mistake. “At least I don't think you di-”

“I didn’t.” The pilot quickly answered. “You’re right. I didn’t have a nightmare that night.”

Finn smiled. “I could do that with every nightmare you know.”

Poe laughed half-heartedly. “You’d have to do that every night.”

Finn pushed aside the pain of the confirmation. “Then I’ll do that every night.” He said determinedly.

He half shrugged when he heard Poe breathe in sharply.

“It’s not that big a deal really.” He smirked and squeezed Poe’s hand. “I mean, I know  _ I _ am a big deal of course…” They laughed together for a moment. “…but it wouldn’t be a big deal for me to do that for you… you know, lie down with you… and hold you… maybe kiss your forehead every once in a while.”

He added the last bit in jokingly, but he meant it with all sincerity. He’d kiss his forehead whenever he needed it. He’d kiss his forehead a hundred times a day if necessary. Although, he realised that might be more self-indulgence than anything else.

“I could hold your hand…” He continued, squeezing his hand once more. He took a deep breath, knowing that the next thing he was saying was a dangerous one, but he just had to offer it as an option, knowing it was the best one.

“Or I could just hold you before the nightmares even come…?”

Poe moved up to look Finn in the eye. The love and wonder in his eyes outshone the fear in Finn’s. Finn smiled as soon as he realised that.

“That would help…” Poe whispered. “I would like that.”

He licked his lips and tried to think of a way to hide his blush but not be obvious about it. Instead of coming up with an answer, he got distracted by the fact that Finn was letting go of his hand and getting up.

“Well, get in then,” Finn said as an answer to Poe’s questioning eyes. He reached out a hand and hoisted him up off the floor.

“Get in and tell me where to lie down.”

Poe was stunned and took a moment to just simply stare at the man. Who, in return, just grinned at him and motioned for him to move.

He tried his best to settle down, but Poe just felt too damn nervous to know how he could ever be comfortable. He got up again and shot Finn a sheepish look.

“I uhh… I want you on this side.” He motioned to the back of the bunk.

Finn obliged without a word. He got in, laid down on his side and motioned for Poe to join him.

Poe laid down on his back, not sure of what to do, but the moment his head hit the pillow Finn moved to lay down half on top of him and snuggled his face into the crook of his neck.

They laid there for a while, getting used to the feeling, and the heat, and their tickling breath. His blanket, Poe realised, was at his feet. He was not about to move up to get it though. Finn cuddled closer and Poe felt himself getting more and more relaxed. Their breathing evened out and slowly synced up, making it very quiet in their room.

It was awfully nice, Poe thought.

After a while Finn moved up gently and looked Poe in the eye with such certainty it scared him.

“Do you trust me?”

Poe nodded immediately. “Of course.”

Finn smiled but rolled his eyes at his automatic response. “I need the real answer, not the one you say without thinking. Do you  _ trust _ me?”

Poe gave it a second, but he really did already know the answer; it was clearer now than ever before.

“Yes.” He said determined, and then with a small smirk added, “Of course.”

Finn chuckled and shook his head, but secretly he couldn’t have felt better about the answer;  _ Finally, _ Poe truly trusted him.

Slowly Finn placed a hand on his cheek, leant up and kissed his forehead. He checked to see if things were okay so far.

“I know this will be scary, but I need you to trust me.”

Poe knew what was coming next and he was very scared, but he nodded.  _ Irrational fears. _ He kept telling himself.

Finn did as he had been practising; he closed his eyes and calmed his breathing, before looking Poe in the eye.

_ I love you,  _ he said in Poe’s head.

He could see the emotions running through Poe. The panic, the anxiety, the love, the joy, the confusion.

He leant down and kissed Poe’s forehead a second time, before looking him in the eye and telling him a second time;  _ I love you. _

Poe smiled slowly. “I love you too.” He whispered.

Finn placed his hand over Poe’s heart. “I know you’re scared, but I promise I would never hurt you. I would never look into your mind without your consent. And if that consent never comes then I won’t be upset about that. I trust you will tell me if there’s something I need to know. I trust you will talk to me when you’re ready, or perhaps when I need it most, if I may be so selfish.”

Poe smiled at that.

“I will not use the force for bad things. I will only use the force for love.” He meant it as a declaration of his devotion, but upon hearing himself say it he grimaced. “I mean, I will not  _ force _ you to love me as I love you, of course. I mean, I will only use the force to  _ show _ you love.”

Poe smiled with tears in his eyes and couldn’t help but chuckle at Finn’s uncertainty of his love.

“I do love you, Finn.” He said as he reached out to cup his cheek.

Finn leant into the touch, but his eyes looked sad. “I’m…” He wanted to tell him how he felt, but he was scared.

“Tell me in my head.”

Finn’s eyes opened in surprise. “Are you sure?”

Poe smiled and nodded firmly. “I’m sure, pal.”

Finn closed his eyes, breathed deeply, and then opened his eyes to look at Poe calmly and lovingly.

_ I’m in love with you. _

Poe closed his eyes and breathed out the fear he had felt for so long.

Finn, upon seeing his closed eyes, thought he was being rejected and tried to move away, but Poe’s grip on his cheek tightened and he felt himself getting pulled closer. Poe leant towards him at the same time but did not open his eyes yet.

When the tips of their noses touched he stopped, breathing in deeply, and slowly opened his eyes.

“I’m in love with you too.”

Finn closed his eyes and smiled. “You’re braver than I am.” He said as he opened them again.

Poe chuckled at him. “I sincerely doubt that. …but maybe you should try being brave by kissing me, just in case.”

Finn laughed warmly. He felt like all the stress and confusion and worries washed away in an instant. He leant in, tilted his face and pecked his lips gently.

He moved away all too soon and Poe grumbled playfully. “You call that a kiss?” The grin on his lips showed Finn he was joking. Poe tried chasing after his lips, but he moved backwards, to look at him.

“I’ve never…” He admitted.

“Never?”

“There was never anyone I was interested in.” He said with a growing smirk.

Poe thought about that for a moment. He was his first love. He hoped he was also his true love.

“You know what I call brave?” He asked, getting back to his earlier point.

“Staying strong through years of oppression.”

He leant up and pecked his lips.

“Deciding not to shoot when that was all you knew.”

He kissed him slightly more to the right.

“Risking your life to save a random resistance pilot.”

More to the left this time.

“Risking your life to save a young woman and a droid you just met.”

He kissed his left cheek.

“Risking your life to fight the people who hurt you. Even going back to the place they hurt you”

He kissed his right cheek.

“Joining the resistance and fighting for good every day.”

He kissed his nose.

“Falling in love with an idiot pilot…”

He smiled, put both his hands on the sides of his face and slowly pulled him in. He pressed the softest, lingering kiss to his lips, and tried to pour all his love for the man into it.

“kissing that idiot even though it scares you.” He added with a laugh and wink.

Finn blushed, but he laughed with him. “I’m only doing that because I’ve wanted to do that since I first laid eyes on you.”

Poe’s eyes widened. “Really?”

Finn couldn’t help but laugh wholeheartedly. He ran a hand through the pilot’s curls and leant closer. “I guess I knew from the start you’d be ruining my life with your idiocy.”

“Maybe you knew from the start that you’d be ruining  _ my _ life with your damn bravery and kind heart and your smiles and your hugs and your  _ love _ .”

Finn blushed an impossible shade but pushed on. “When did you know?”

“Oh, just the second you took off your helmet.”

Finn raised an eyebrow. “How come?”

“I saw you and I thought, Oh no he’s hot.”

Finn burst out laughing and let himself fall on top of his best friend. He buried his face in the crook of Poe’s neck. Poe’s hand came up to touch his neck and for a moment they were frozen like that. Just simply enjoying each other’s closeness.

“We really are both ridiculous, huh?” Finn asked when he backed off.

Poe laughed gently. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

They held each other close for a long time.

After a while Poe tried to push Finn away slightly. He looked him in the eye intently before speaking.

“Look into my mind.”

Finn’s eyes went wide. “Are you sure?”

The pilot nodded, a certainty in his eyes that made Finn shiver. He nodded and readjusted his position. As he placed a hand on his cheek he looked deeply in his eyes. “You tell me when I need to stop.”

Poe nodded once more. “I will.”

Finn closed his eyes and breathed deeply. When he opened them he concentrated on Poe’s face to be sure he knew when to stop in a heartbeat.

He took another breath and as he exhaled the strongest thought in Poe’s mind came pouring in.

_ Kiss me, if you want. Kiss me, if you want. Kiss me, if you want. Kiss me, if you want. Kiss me, if you want. Kiss me, if you want. Kiss me, if you want. Kiss me, if you want. _

Finn blushed furiously and the second Poe noticed he smirked.

“Well?”

Finn was silent for a long time, a smirk slowly growing and growing. “What if I don’t want to?”

Poe squinted at him and pretended to be deep in thought. He took advantage of the distracted Finn and flipped them around with ease. A little too much ease for Finn’s liking.

Poe leant in closely, hovering over his lips. “Then you’d be missing out.”

Finn laughed, and before he could even realise himself, he had leaned up to kiss him.

As he kissed him he felt all his fears of messing up his first proper kiss leave his mind in an instant. Poe was gentle. A hand on his chest and a hand on his cheek. His fingers were cold and Finn had to admit it felt impossibly good against his blushed hot skin. His middle finger drew small circles behind his ear as he kissed him softly.

Their lips moved slowly, Poe showing Finn just how to softly kiss someone.

When their kiss came to an end, he let the finger behind his ear slowly caress a line down and around his jaw and stopped when he had reached his chin. He pushed his chin up gently and then let the finger slowly caress down his throat, across his adams apple all the way down to his diaphragm.

He stopped there and pressed his whole hand to it, before sliding it up and kissing the free space gently. Tender kisses were placed in the same line up as he had just caressed down. 

Finn’s eyes were closed, his chest heaving and falling slowly, breaths deep but shaky. He kissed up his throat, lingering around his adams apple, before moving further up. He took his sweet time kissing along his jaw, wetting his lips in-between kisses. Eventually, he reached the spot behind his ear where he had started. He lingered longer than planned, before moving to press a featherlight kiss to his earlobe.

“I love you.” He whispered with closed eyes.

The words echoed around in Finn’s head, and when Poe leant back to meet his gaze he looked at him through hooded eyes. The smile he sent him made it look like he was drunk.

Poe bit his lip as he took in the dazed look; he had caused that. “I take it you liked that then?”

As Finn awoke from his daze he leant in till they were sitting chest to chest, the tips of their noses gently touching. His gaze was locked on Poe’s mouth as the pilot bit his lower lip.

“You’re telling me I’ve been missing out on that for the past months?”

Finn finally met Poe’s eyes when he did not reply. The look in Poe’s eyes…  _ Oh, stars _ there it was again. The wonder, the sparkles, the  _ love _ . They’d been for him all this time, huh?

Poe hated that he couldn’t get himself to speak, but the emotions bubbling inside of him were too strong. He knew that if he opened his mouth now they’d all come spilling right out.

Finn didn’t seem to mind. All he did was chuckle softly and tilt his head. His gaze moved back down to his lips and he couldn’t help it when he leant in towards them.

Just as their lips were about to brush he looked back into Poe’s eyes and he spoke quietly.

“Tell me you’ll make it up to me.”

The pilot blinked slowly, stuck in a haze of his own. “Only if you’ll let me.” He replied just as quietly.

Then their lips brushed and both eyes were closed as they melted into each other’s touch. Their lips moved slowly, never parting long enough to go exploring.

Until Finn felt brave enough and tried his luck. Poe hummed in surprise and agreement as he allowed him in. Who knew someone else’s tongue could feel so right in your own mouth.

They weren't sure how long they had been exploring when they broke away for air. It felt like an eternity and mere seconds all at once.

As he looked Finn in the eye again he finally broke. All the emotions that he had held in for so long, that had caused all their fights… they finally came out.

Finn held his face and pulled him close. “What's wrong?”

“This… this is why we’ve been fighting. This is why I didn't want you in my head.”

“The only reason I was scared of you being in my head was because I didn’t want you to know that I am utterly in love with you. I was scared of you knowing that, without my say so. I want to be in control of when I tell you that I love you.”

“You thought I didn’t..?” Finn whispered, trying to get him to back off so he could look at him.

"I thought if you found out you would leave. I thought I’d lose you.”

Finn caressed his cheeks and quickly kissed his lips. “We are both… disasters.”

They laughed sadly.

"I was frustrated because I thought you could never love me because of the force,” Finn admitted.

Poe’s eyes widened. “…and when I broke down I basically proved that.” He felt horrified.

Finn smiled sadly at him. “Now I know that’s not true though.”

“I'm sorry…” Poe looked away. “I’m okay with it now, though.”

Finn put a finger under his chin and made Poe face him again.

“You’re not.” He said as he was shaking his head.

“I know you are struggling, you don’t have to pretend that you’re not. I know you are doing your best to heal, and I also know that you won’t be healed in just a couple of days; it will take a long time. You’re working on it, and I will help you work on it, but you have to let me… and you have to tell me if I do or say something wrong, so that we can fix that immediately and not hold it in until we fight about it.”

He ran the back of his hand along the side of his cheek before coming to his conclusion.

“I  _ want _ you to be okay… but I know you’re not.” He removed the tears off of his true love’s face. “I will not force you to be okay.”

Poe smiled and new tears instantly made their way down his face.

“Oh, Finn.” He sniffled. “I’m not okay.” he agreed with such lovesick eyes, it almost hurt.

“I’m  _ ecstatic _ .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have tried my best. I hope it has filled you with love. <3


End file.
